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Day 17

November 25, 2012 By katbiggie 2 Comments

On Thanksgiving Day last year, November 24, 2011, I had been lying in a hospital bed for 17 days, hoping and praying that my babies would be able to continue to grow stronger.

It was lonely.  I slept most of the day, in and out of a groggy state, wondering how much longer I would carry my babies and if either would live.

The nurses only came in if a baby was off the monitor, but other than that, it was quiet. 

I watched the gray sky.  I felt the movements, and I listened to the heartbeats.  I slept. 

I may have prayed.  I may have talked to my girls.  I probably cried.

I cursed this stupid disease.  Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome.  Why us?

At a little after 5pm my family arrived with some leftovers.  I had no appetite.

While the family was there, one of the doctors came in to check the babies’ Dopplers.  Since Baby B (Tiny) has intermittent absent end diastolic flow (basically with each of my heart beats she is supposed to be getting blood and fluids through her cord, but there are gaps, making it harder for her to grow) and they have told me if she starts to reverse the flow, we will have to deliver.

Thankfully the test showed no signs of reverse flow.  I would stay pregnant for at least one more day.

Kathryn was big, fat, bloated with fluids, but moving around as if she was happy.  Tiny was still difficult to find on the monitor, tiny, scrunched up under my hip bone.

My other children missed me.  My son had been asking for his mommy all day.  I grew sadder as each day passed that I was not with my son and daughter.

I was depressed, swollen, and the only thing that I could do to try and save my babies was to suck it up, lie in that bed, and hope for the best.

And be thankful that we had made it this far.

Thanksgiving 2012 was much better.  At home, surrounded by family, home cooked meal, beautiful weather.

But where there should have been two babies crawling on the floor, there was only one. 

My surviving twin.  My heart.  My constant reminder of what I have lost.

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katbiggie

Freelance writer at Kat Biggie Press
Alexa B, who blogs as "Kat Biggie" is a wife, mother, and writer. She has three children and one in heaven. She recently self published a book entitled "Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother" which is available on Amazon. She blogs about life after the loss of one of her twin daughters to TTTS, motherhood, all things parenting, advocacy, grief support and social good.

Latest posts by katbiggie (see all)

  • What to say when a baby dies ; words of comfort - October 31, 2019
  • Try listening to her, not fixing her – October 15th - October 15, 2019
  • Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Book Bundle - October 3, 2019

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Filed Under: grief, TTTS Tagged With: baby loss, bedrest, twinless twin, twins

Comments

  1. lauryn says

    November 26, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    A beatiful post Kat…so sorry for your loss but so thankful that you and your little one were with family this Thanksgiving. Glad to have found your blog! Thanks for your kind comments!

    Reply
    • Kat Biggie says

      November 26, 2012 at 2:09 pm

      Thank you so much Lauryn.

      Reply

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