Oh Christmas Bush

The worst day of my life was December 21, 2011.

One year ago today was my infant daughter Kathryn’s funeral. I dreaded the moment in which we all acknowledged that she was gone forever.

All of my husband’s family had arrived the night before. And even though I was happy they were there, I did not want to see them. I did not want them to be there for this.

I felt terrible when I woke up. After the babies were born, my blood pressure spiked super high, and the doctor had not yet found a medicine to get it down into a normal range. The day before he had threatened to re-admit me to the hospital, but thankfully had not. But the high blood pressure made my head hurt.

My c-section was not healing well. In fact, the incision was infected.

And my body was rebelling about being used after spending months on bedrest and going through the trauma of the weeks past.

But it was my heart that hurt worst of all.

I heard them all laughing in the living room. WHY ARE THEY LAUGHING? How could anyone find anything funny on this day?

“I don’t want to do this!” I told my husband.

But we didn’t have a choice.

We all went to my mother’s house for breakfast before the ceremony. I got a migraine. I needed to stay on my pumping schedule so my dwindling supply didn’t completely disappear because I still had her twin sister to provide for. So I hid downstairs.

They were all laughing again. WHY??? How could anyone laugh?

This is one of the reasons why:

The Christmas bush.

My mother likes to find good deals. This one was a GREAT deal.

Because the top was gone!

Yes, otherwise it was a beautiful tree. If it hadn’t been beheaded.

Even I was able to find some humor in the headless tree.

My family enjoyed taking pictures around the tree. It kept them entertained all morning.

And looking back on it now, I’m glad they were laughing. Because laughter is life’s greatest medicine.

When I remember the worst day of my life, I can also smile. Even giggle.

I think Kathryn would prefer it that way.

Love you and miss you always baby girl!

In loving memory of Kathryn, 12/10/11 – 12/12/11… taken too soon due to complications from Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome.

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katbiggie

Freelance writer at Kat Biggie Press

Alexa B, who blogs as "Kat Biggie" is a wife, mother, and writer. She has three children and one in heaven. She recently self published a book entitled "Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother" which is available on Amazon. She blogs about life after the loss of one of her twin daughters to TTTS, motherhood, all things parenting, advocacy, grief support and social good.