I’m so torn between wanting to go to bed right now and wanting to just write, write, write about a place I belong. As a friend’s husband said tonight, at the end of the day, that’s what we are all looking for. I believe he is correct.
Candles we lit at a Remembrance ceremony this summer to remember all babies lost too soon.
My heart is full. My mind is racing. My eyes, however, hurt!
Tonight was the monthly gathering of the grief and loss support group that I belong to, Naomi’s Circle. Naomi’s Circle is a gathering place for parents who have lost babies during pregnancy (through miscarriage or stillbirth) or during the first year after birth, and although it took me over eight months to finally decide I was ready to find a group, I am so glad I did.
A Place I Belong
As is always the case when I leave this group, my heart and emotions and brain are all just a churning. I have so much I want to say and do. I’m recharged.
Strange feelings to have coming from an environment in which we all just poured our hearts out and talked about the saddest thing that has ever happened to us.
But those are not the emotions that permeate the evening. Instead, I leave feeling embraced, encouraged, hopeful, loved… it is a place I belong.
Each month as I share my story with the group, I realize that I still have so much repressed emotion that I push back in the day to day happenings of life. In this room of women who know and understand my pain, I find myself spilling out feelings that I’m not sure I even realized I had until that moment. Some are things that I am just afraid to share outside of my group because I don’t know how they will be received (or misunderstood) by other people.
I shared tonight that I feel a lot of jealousy toward other mothers of twins. (Ironic since my friend was sitting right next to me, and she is the mother of 2 year old identical twins! Doh! I quickly told her I don’t feel that way towards her!) I think this jealousy is part of the reason that I make sure to tell everyone (whether they want to know or NOT!) that Tiny is a twin… but her twin died after two days. I tell them this because I want them to know that I AM the mother of twins. This results in many awkward situations as most people do not know how to process that kind of information, but I just have this overwhelming need to let people know I have twins. Even if I don’t have both of them to show. I have developed my own twinless twin syndrome!
On the other hand, I also have this urge to surround myself by people with twins, because that’s where I should I fit in and belong.
But I don’t.
I don’t belong in the “singletons only” and I don’t belong in the “multiples” categories.
But I do belong with the loss mamas. Before I found out about Naomi’s Circle, I did not have a place I belong.
Losing my daughter changed me. In so many ways. I feel like I struggle to fit in in many situations now. (I think this is part of the reason that I love blogging so much. I have discovered a whole world of weirdos that like typing away on their computer as much as I do! 🙂 No offense to the other weirdos, I love you dearly!)
I also find myself seeking out other mother’s who have walked this walk.
Because with them, I know I will not be judged. I know that my kind of “crazy” will never seem crazy to them. I know that I can laugh, I can cry, I can say all the things no one else wants to hear or listen to. And I can provide the same for them. We are instantly bonded. Part of the “Sisterhood” of loss.
Tonight was a special night with the group. A very kind district manager of the Olive Garden happened to get into a conversation with our group moderator’s family a few months ago, and by the end of the night, offered to provide dinner for our next Naomi’s Circle meeting. The husbands were invited and childcare provided. Dinner was amazing, thank you to the Olive Garden!
We gathered together and each of us, husbands and wives, had an opportunity to share.
Men and women grieve so differently, and it was truly wonderful to share like this. I know my husband learned some things that I had not shared with him, and vice-verse. As our moderator’s husband spoke to us, he explained why he saw value in attending from time to time. It gave him a window into the depth of his wife’s suffering. He also realized how important support and being accepted into a group where we belong is so very important.
The losses are so different in the group. Some women have lost as many as five babies. Some only one. Some as early as 4-6 weeks, others lost full term babies, or in my case, two days after birth. But the pain is the same. We are all looking for understanding and comfort.
If you have had a loss and have not tried to find support, know that it is never too late to seek out groups like Naomi’s Circle.
Do you have a place you really feel you belong?
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Kerry says
August 8, 2013 at 11:44 pmIt’s nice that you have found a group that understands your pain and your journey. Balance that with your writing outlet, and that must be kind of cathartic. Your pieces of grief make my heart ache – so know you are in my prayers.
Kerry recently posted…Something Has to Give
katbiggie says
August 9, 2013 at 8:12 amThank you Kerry. Yes, they are both very cathartic. Thank you so much for your sweet words and especially your prayers.
Janine Huldie says
August 9, 2013 at 7:33 amSeriously, so glad you found this group and does sound like you truly found a place to belong to, Alexa and it is times and moments like these that we should be thankful for. But then again it truly sounds like you know this and are from your post!!
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katbiggie says
August 9, 2013 at 8:11 amThank you Janine! Yes, in our darkest hours it is especially important that we surround ourselves with those who “get” us!
Pary Moppins says
August 9, 2013 at 8:13 amEveryone needs a group to identify with – to belong to as you said. So glad you have found your place where you belong. Hugs.
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Alison says
August 9, 2013 at 9:53 amI am glad that you have found a group who can fully understand what you go through day in, day out. Although it makes my heart hurt that you even have to be in a group. xo
Alison recently posted…Abundance
The Dose of Reality says
August 9, 2013 at 10:19 amI am so glad and grateful that you found a place where you really feel understood and supported.
“We are all looking for understanding and comfort” Amen. Love you, Alexa! –Lisa
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Lea Davidson says
August 9, 2013 at 1:14 pmSometimes there is just no explanation for why we have to endure the unimaginable. But somehow we end up finding a place for ourselves and draw on others and begin to lend others support. I’m so glad that you have found somewhere to turn and share and give to others who might benefit greatly from hearing about your loss.Thanks for sharing this beautiful, honest post.
Lea Davidson recently posted…Pour Your Heart Out: The Worst and Best Day of My Life
Victoria from the Busy House Big Heart says
August 9, 2013 at 1:38 pmI am happy that you have found a group that can understand what you are going through.
Victoria from the Busy House Big Heart recently posted…My plans for the next 6 months
Lanie says
August 9, 2013 at 4:07 pmI am so glad that you found Naomi’s Circle. After Jake died I could not bear the thought of going to a support group and hearing about other people’s sad stories – I could hardly deal with ours. A few months later I realized that I needed to see how other parents got up every day and lived in a world without their child/children. So, we went a couple’s support group. I hate that any of us have outlived our child/children but it does somehow help to know that you are not alone (although at times it feels that way. . .). Sending you hope and hugs.
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Tamara says
August 9, 2013 at 4:53 pmI do have a place I feel I belong, especially lately, and that’s in our blogging world. With some, I have photography in common. With some, more writing. With others, parenting. With yet others, nothing at all except these wonderful blogs we write and read. When I lost my father, I was nearly four, and I did find going to a grief point helpful, even back then. I’ve grown up with other fatherless or motherless kids and we seem to have this strange anxiety/obsession with mortality thing in common. It’s nice to know it’s not just me.
And kudos to that Olive Garden. Holy crap, that’s awesome of them.
Tamara recently posted…You’re Extraordinary.
Ilene says
August 9, 2013 at 10:10 pmWe all need a place where we belong, or many if we are lucky, blogging circles, yoga friends, writing friends, running enthusiasts, divorce support, and yes, places where we can grieve. I am so glad you have Naomi’s circle. I hurt for you, for the reasons you need to be there, but am so glad you have a “there” to go to.
Ilene recently posted…Something Has to Give
another jennifer says
August 13, 2013 at 8:56 amI am so happy you found this support circle, Alexa. We all need a place (or places) where we feel like we truly belong. The blogging world is often that place for me (weirdos and all!). Hugs to you!
another jennifer recently posted…Celebrating International Left Handers’ Day with All Things Left-Handed!
Vashti Quiroz-Vega says
August 13, 2013 at 10:13 pmIt’s wonderful that you’ve found a group that will help you cope with your loss. I know how difficult this can be. All the best.
Vashti Quiroz-Vega recently posted…Happiness Is A Thing To Be Practiced, Like A Violin.
Chris Carter says
August 15, 2013 at 10:57 amAh… what a perfect place to call your own and what a blessing it is to find a bit of light in the darkness you all share. I am just so glad you have this, Alexa.
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