The last few weeks have left me breathless. I have hardly had time to sit at my computer (thank goodness for pre-scheduled posts!) and I am so sorry to my friends who have commented and have been left rudely ignored! I am reading them and loving you for taking the time to make such sweet and thoughtful comments!
But I am tired…
And I am sad.
I am breathless from grief.
It hit me the other day when Tiny, Jelly Bean and I were at the March for Babies kick off for the Publix team captains for the state. They came together to get fired up to hopefully raise another $300,000 for the March for Babies like they did last year in SC. And for the first time in a long time, as I told our story, I teared up. For the first time in a very long time I felt really sorry for myself.
I thought how unfair it was that we were there. That this is our story. Although it has been an honor to be the Ambassador family, I would trade it in a heartbeat to have that beautiful baby back in my arms.
My story right now SHOULD be about how absolutely crazy I am because I have four children under five (now six!) Two teething one year olds and a crazy 3 year old making me absolutely certifiable all day long every day.
My story should be about how hard it is for me to go anywhere with two babies and how much diapers cost x2. I want to post those silly ecards on my facebook that say “Stay Calm, It’s Only Twins” or whatever else. I want to be blogging about life with multiples.
But that’s not my story. And that really pisses me off.
I have tried so hard to get above it. To turn it off. To pretend like I’m ok. Society tells me I should be. Most of the time I think I am. Until those moments that I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.
It can come from anywhere or no where.
The grief is blinding. And the tears just come.
In those moments I wish I could lie in my bed for days. But I can’t. Little people need me.
Thankfully, three beautiful little people need me.
May 5th is International Bereaved Mothers Day. If you know someone who has lost a baby or a child, whether it be 5 days ago or 55 years ago, maybe take a moment to let her know that you know they hurt. Remember their child.
And if you don’t know anyone else, you know me.
You can whisper her name.
Kathryn.
katbiggie
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Kerry says
April 11, 2013 at 12:08 amAll I can say is that I’m thinking of you, praying for you and your sweet angel in heaven. Be kind to yourself.
Kerry recently posted…Sure You Need to Toot Your Own Horn in the Workplace, But You’ll Go Nowhere Without a Strong Advocate
katbiggie says
May 2, 2013 at 9:26 pmIt took me awhile to be able to respond to the comments on this post, and I apologize. I appreciate your words and support so much!
katbiggie recently posted…Still {International Bereaved Mother’s Day}
Marie Oliveira says
April 11, 2013 at 12:28 amI am crying with you, my friend. I think of you often when I am putting Eliza to bed for the night. Especially on those nights where she is so tired and calm. When she lay in my arms snuggled up against my body. I think about you and how devastating it must have been to lose your sweet baby. To love someone so immensely and then to have them taken away. I’m just so sorry it happened.
Marie Oliveira recently posted…Back to the gym and a trip to the produce market
katbiggie says
May 2, 2013 at 9:32 pmThank you Marie. That is truly one of the sweetest things anyone has said. Your words touched me so deeply when I read them, and I just couldn’t even respond at the time! You are a treasure, and I’m so glad I happened upon you that one crazy night on Bloggy Moms. (I rarely ever respond to the posts but decided to with yours!)
Janine Huldie says
April 11, 2013 at 7:25 amBeautiful post and the offer still stands, please message me even if you need to just vent a bit. I am a good listener my friend!! 🙂
Janine Huldie recently posted…Momma, Momma, Momma!!!
katbiggie says
May 2, 2013 at 9:33 pmYes, yes you are Janine! One of the best listeners/responders I’ve ever come across! You amaze me! Thank you for your thoughtful words!
Pary Moppins says
April 11, 2013 at 8:43 amBeautiful and haunting. It is so very easy for those of us not in your situation to walk glibly by. I am so sorry for your loss and though the pain may never go away, you are so strong to be an ambassador for other Moms who share your experience. An ambassador. The mouthpiece for those you are representing. You are a great one and I will keep you in my prayers.
Pary Moppins recently posted…Soft Scrub Advanced Surface Review
katbiggie says
May 2, 2013 at 9:33 pmThank you so much. Those are kind and comforting words!
Chris Carter says
April 11, 2013 at 12:40 pmOh bless your weary heart, my friend. I am praying for you and I will whisper Kathryn over and over again…
katbiggie says
May 2, 2013 at 9:34 pmChris I wish I could just hug you!!!
Rachel @ Architecture of a Mom says
April 11, 2013 at 2:46 pmSweetie, I hope my blog (when i talk about my twins) doesn’t add to your grief. I know how close we were to being in your shoes. And although I never met my little one that I lost (it was way too early in the pregnancy), it still causes some tears, almost 3 years later. Nothing is wrong with that! I hope you’re day is blessed, and I can’t wait to give you a hug in real life in a few short weeks!
katbiggie says
May 2, 2013 at 9:35 pmOh no Rachel, your blog doesn’t bother me one bit! I am surrounded by twins and I like it that way! I can’t wait to meet you and hug you back!! 🙂 And I am so terribly sorry for your loss as well. It stays with us, doesn’t it?
another jennifer says
April 12, 2013 at 3:33 pmI’m whispering her name now, my friend. And you know what? It’s okay to be angry and to cry. Don’t ever think it’s not. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
katbiggie says
May 2, 2013 at 9:36 pmSo glad to have you by my bloggy side Jennifer!
parentwin says
April 14, 2013 at 11:38 amI’m so incredibly sorry. I found you through the blog party, and I’m now following your facebook. You’re welcome to come check my stuff out and follow (would love to have you), but I realize it may not be the right fit for you. I’m a mother of twins, myself, and I just can’t imagine. You are an incredible person and you have an incredible family. <3
http://www.parentwin.com/2013/04/ultimate-blog-party-2013.html
parentwin recently posted…Moment of the Week – 137: Princess Fairy Dance Party
Kristen says
April 14, 2013 at 9:38 pmI’m so sorry. I wish there were any words to help your grief, but I know that’s just not possible. You are strong; you are beautiful and you are a true hero for sharing your story. It is a voice for others who are going through the same thing. :hugs:
Sarah De Diego (Journeys of The Zoo) says
April 16, 2013 at 11:54 amI wish that there was something that I could say to bring Kathryn back. If I ever figure out how to do it, I’ll let you know so that you can give me my Alexander back.
Breathless is such a perfect word to use for my grief. Sometimes, I need to remind myself to breathe. I swear, my heart stops beating. I will be thinking of Kathryn and all the others today, May 5 and everyday.
Besos, Sarah
Mother to Two Triplets on Earth
Sarah De Diego (Journeys of The Zoo) recently posted…You Are My Sunshine Mothers Day Hop {Giveaway}, US/CAN, 5/12
katbiggie says
April 18, 2013 at 9:57 amThank you Sarah. Me too. I know what you mean about the heart stopping. I’ve felt that myself.
Heather O. says
May 2, 2013 at 12:20 pmWhat a beautiful and honest post. I am so familiar with being angry, and feeling sorry for myself, even when I know I don’t really have time for that, and I have (well-meaning) family members to remind me to “move on, get over it”. It’s not fair, it’s just not, and the grief does leave me breathless. You have done an amazing job of honoring Kathryn, and I will never forget her or her story. I am always here for you, my friend.
Heather O. recently posted…Still Standing {International Bereaved Mother’s Day}
katbiggie says
May 2, 2013 at 9:29 pmThank you so much Heather! I think of you often, and I’m glad we run in the same blogging “circles” so I see what you are up to even if I’m not always able to visit. I’m glad you linked up and we are getting to know each other a bit better through these posts! And I am here for you too!
AnnMarie says
May 2, 2013 at 9:19 pmI know that feeling of the air knocked out of you at any given moment and not knowing the when or the why it hits. It’s interesting that around Dec. 7th and April 7th, my heart knows before my brain that I’m sad. That something is missing. There are many breathless moments at those times. You do so much to honor Kathryn…she is so very lucky that you are her Mommy. I hope her and Rocco are playing together.
AnnMarie recently posted…Still {International Bereaved Mother’s Day}
katbiggie says
May 2, 2013 at 9:27 pmYes, I do too! The thought makes me smile! Thank you for your sweet words!