• Who is Kat Biggie?
    • My Other Sites
  • Kathryn’s Story
  • My Books
    • Lose the Cape
    • Meltdowns Book
  • Products I Recommend
    • Product Reviews
    • Book Reviews
  • My Writing Elsewhere…
    • My Writing
    • I Have Guest Posted Here!
    • Advertise/PR
    • Disclosure Policy
    • Find Me Here!

No Holding Back

Living With Purpose

  • Momvocate
    • Children’s Health
    • Motherhood
    • March of Dimes
    • activism
    • Call to Action
    • ADD/ADHD
    • TTTS
    • Maternal Health
    • Newborn Health
    • Prematurity
    • Do Good Feel Good
      • Philanthropy
      • Social Good
  • Healthy Body
    • Children’s Health
    • Health
      • Gluten Free
      • Recipes
    • Fitness
    • Healthy Environment
      • green living
    • TTTS
  • Healthy Mind
    • Healthy Mind
    • Depression
    • Healthy Spirit
  • Grief/Bereavement Support
    • grief
      • Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month
    • infant loss

How to Help a Grieving Family over the Holidays

December 21, 2015 By katbiggie 2 Comments

The holidays can be difficult for anyone, but especially if you’ve just lost a child, a sibling, a parent. Everything can make you sad. Christmas carols, ads for toys, images of happy families, Christmas movies, all the talk about the stupid Elf…

While no grieving parent would want to damper the excitement for others, this is an exceptional time for loved ones to show a little extra TLC.

I cannot speak for all grieving parents, but for me, it was very, very difficult for me to identify my needs to people when they asked us what they could do to help. At the time, I would have appreciated anything. I was so lost and in so much pain, it took all efforts for me to get up and pretend to be a normal person every day. And this lasted for almost two years. Obviously it wasn’t as bad during all of that time, but the grief was really hard, for much longer than I expected.

For me, the most helpful thing would have been for people to just DO. Do Not Ask. We buried our daughter on December 21, 2011. We had another infant still struggling in the NICU. At home, we also had a 4 year old and a daughter who turned two on December 22, 2011. To say life was overwhelming is an understatement. We could have used a lot of help. But I was afraid to ask for it. And if someone asked me if I needed anything, I would tell them we were fine.

Because it made me uncomfortable to ask  for specific items or help.

Now, had someone brought a meal,(and some did!) or took the kids for a day, or sent in a house cleaning service, I would never have said no. Because I needed help.

My husband does not like taking help. So whenever someone would ask HIM, he would also say we were fine. Of course, he was not the one responsible for the children, or preparing meals, or taking care of the house. Here again, if help had been given, he would never have refused it upon arrival.

I cannot tell you how each person will respond. It is YOUR job as a loved one to determine what would be most helpful to the family. Food or gift cards for restaurants though is almost always a win. I cannot even explain to you how difficult it was for me to do normal things like preparing a meal or grocery shopping.

You can find more specific tips and advice on helping a grieving mother in this post and in our book Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother.

How to Help a Grieving Family over the Holidays

how to help a grieving family over the holidays

 

1. Send or deliver a care package. My husband’s work was so kind to us after our daughter died. They put together a huge gift basket that included presents for all of us. It was a simple act, but it was so touching. They also sent a Peace Lily, a beautiful plant that remains in our home, four years later, reminding us of their kindness. The above picture is an example of the type of packages we send out through the TTTS Support Team and through our nonprofit, Sunshine After the Storm, Inc.

2. Take them a meal. Or meals. You can organize friends and family through sites such as  Take Them A Meal or Sign Up Genius. We would have appreciated food for months, especially with a baby in the NICU. Make sure to consider the size of the family – and make sure to take enough, but not so much the family feels they are wasting food. And bring chocolate.

3. Send text messages, emails, or cards. You don’t have to have the RIGHT words, but a simple “I’m thinking about you,” or “I am heartbroken for you,” or “I am here to listen,” can be very consoling. I have learned that people react very differently to “I am sorry for your loss.” I used to recommend that, but have found that many people really take issue with this phrase. If they are religious, let them know you are praying.

4. Visit. Depending on how well you know them. Some people do not want to be visited. Others feel abandoned if people do not come. You will have to determine where your loved one falls on this spectrum. If you do decide to visit, watch for social cues that they need the visit to end. In the immediate aftermath of a death, the family members may not be able to really express how they feel about visits. Be prepared to make it a short visit.

5. Help with the other children. Take them out to give the children and parents a break.

6. Are there household needs that you could help with? Maybe get friends together to pay for a cleaning service for a month, or help with yard work, or other burdensome projects.

7. Honor the deceased member by making a donation to a charity or organization in their name. It truly blesses me when friends and family donate to the March of Dimes or to TTTS Organizations, or to Sunshine After the Storm in memory of Kathryn.

8. Don’t be afraid to speak the name. Personally, I love it when people talk about Kathryn and speak about her by name.

9. Give a special ornament with the child’s name on it. I love our special ornaments that allow our angel child to be a part of our Christmas celebrations each year.

10. Love them. I can’t tell you what will be meaningful to a person that I don’t know. But I CAN tell you that just about ALL people appreciate being loved. It may be a call, a card, a text, an invitation to do something. And don’t be discouraged if they don’t always respond. I can promise you, even if they aren’t ready to engage, they are so appreciative of the effort.

11. Don’t ask. Just do. As I started this off, it was so difficult for me to respond when people asked me how they could help. Honestly, anything anyone did would have been appreciated. I was so touched by one of our neighbor’s. We did not know them well at all, but when he found out about Kathryn, he just showed up with a piping hot lasagna. It was so thoughtful, and so very helpful. He didn’t stay long. He said he was so sorry and wanted to help, so he made us dinner. I’ll never forget that.

There are many, many more things that can be done to help, but this should give you some ideas about how to help a grieving family over the holidays. These are just a few of the things that were most helpful to me, OR things that I wish had been done for me. If you have sought out and read this post, you are already being a good friend/loved one to this grieving family.

Blessings today and always.

Alexa

 

Related Posts

  • That time a Camel Spider attacked me on a deployment – Memorial DayThat time a Camel Spider attacked me on a deployment – Memorial Day
  • International Bereaved Mother’s Day 2014International Bereaved Mother’s Day 2014
  • It’s OK to still be sad, mamaIt’s OK to still be sad, mama
  • Return to ZeroReturn to Zero
  • The long awaited “Kathryn” Molly BearThe long awaited “Kathryn” Molly Bear
  • How to Help a Friend Survive the First Year after Pregnancy or Infant LossHow to Help a Friend Survive the First Year after Pregnancy or Infant Loss
  • Author
  • Recent Posts

katbiggie

Freelance writer at Kat Biggie Press
Alexa B, who blogs as "Kat Biggie" is a wife, mother, and writer. She has three children and one in heaven. She recently self published a book entitled "Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother" which is available on Amazon. She blogs about life after the loss of one of her twin daughters to TTTS, motherhood, all things parenting, advocacy, grief support and social good.

Latest posts by katbiggie (see all)

  • What to say when a baby dies ; words of comfort - October 31, 2019
  • Try listening to her, not fixing her – October 15th - October 15, 2019
  • Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Book Bundle - October 3, 2019

katbiggie on Google+

Related

Filed Under: Grieving Parents Tagged With: Grief, help a grieving family, holidays

Comments

  1. Janine Huldie says

    December 21, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    I cannot even begin to imagine nor selfishly I truly don’t want to, but can never stop thank you enough for sharing to continue to help others who might very well be experiencing such a loss at this time of the year. So much love and hugs and seriously you are simply amazing in my humble estimation, my sweet friend <3
    Janine Huldie recently posted…BookBugs – Where Reading Meets GivingMy Profile

    Reply
    • katbiggie says

      December 21, 2015 at 12:45 pm

      Thank you Janine. I appreciate so much that you continue to help share the posts… you never know who may need the message right now. xoxo and I think you are amazing too!

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badgeShow more posts

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

You Liked These Best

  • Words To Say When A Baby DiesWords To Say When A Baby Dies If you're here, you're probably struggling for the right words…
  • From Couch to 10K in one month!From Couch to 10K in one month! Yes, you read that right. Couch to 10K in one…
  • Let Them GrieveLet Them Grieve My husband hit it right on the head today. "I…
  • Does preschool really need to be a fashion show?Does preschool really need to be a fashion show? Every day we walk into preschool and I try to…
  • I Did Not Medicate my Child Because I am a "Lazy Parent" - Recognizing Signs of Mental Health Issues in ChildrenI Did Not Medicate my Child Because I am a… Mental Health Issues in Children are a Real Issue May…

Don’t Miss a Post!

If You Enjoyed This, Please Sign Up for my Posts (It's Free!)

Find me here!

Facebook

Facebook

Follow me on Twitter

My Tweets

Follow me on Instagram

Instagram

The Mother of All Meltdowns

Encouragement for Grieving Mothers

Get Sponsored by Big Brands

What You Said

  • katbiggie on Stories from the TTTS Trenches {Jackalyn and Alexa}
  • Marsha on Stories from the TTTS Trenches {Jackalyn and Alexa}
  • Liveitthebest on I Did Not Medicate my Child Because I am a “Lazy Parent” – Recognizing Signs of Mental Health Issues in Children
  • Trans4orm on Garcenia Cambogia: Miracle Weight Loss Solution??
  • Alden Smith on 6 sites with fun activities for kids

Search

Advocacy baby loss babyloss books children children's health depression Encouragement FEATURED Fitness green living Grief grieving mothers guest posts healing health infant loss Kathryn love March for Babies March of Dimes Mental Health Miscarriage Mom Connection mommy blog mommy blogs motherhood Mothers Day Neonatal intensive care unit NICU Novel Publicity Novel Publicity Blog Tours organization Preemie Pregnancy Preterm birth TTTS TTTS Angels TTTS Survivors Twin twinless twin twins Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome Uncategorized writing
 photo Picture44_zps250d112f.png


I'm a featured blogger on Mamapedia Voices

Categories

Blogger Babes Influencer Network

Are You Writing a Book?

Shot at Life

Shot@Life Join the Movement

I Recommend… (Affiliates)

SAVE TIME AND MONEY WITH EMEALS MEAL PLANS Ebates Coupons and Cash Back
BundleoftheWeek.com, 5 eBooks for $7.40!

Affiliates


Copyright © 2023 · Tricked out by Fabulous Blogging · WordPress · Log in