Shutting Down - my 100th post

This is my 100th post. Yay! Pop the champagne!

Very appropriately it is true to the overall nature of my blog. Surviving after the loss of a child.

I wrote this a few days ago but I am glad I did not post it then. I was having a REALLY BAD DAY! Thankfully, the mothers (and some fathers) I have come to know and love in the TTTS community have been there for me in a way that no one who hasn’t gone through this experience can be. And I love them for it. Through their support and encouragement, I am feeling better.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t still have moments like those described below. It just means that even though I have them, I know that they are normal, they are part of the whole “loss” process, and I am going to survive this. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my healing process.

Shutting Down

As the twins ‘first Birthday approaches, I feel myself shutting down.

All the plans I thought I would set in place – a video with special music to commemorate Tiny’s first year, a party, an album, a special celebration in honor of Kathryn.

I just can’t do it.

I cannot bring myself to make any plans, to put anything together.

I don’t want to face the day.

The first Birthday of my Twin Daughters. Only we will only celebrate with one of them.

I have been doing well, but now I feel overcome with sadness, anger, grief, and I hate the injustice.

And the GUILT.

I ask myself how I can feel this way when I should be so grateful that we came away with one very healthy, happy baby girl. Why can’t I just be happy that I have a healthy little girl that I should be celebrating?

Because we were supposed to have TWO.

I don’t really want to get dressed.

I definitely don’t want to unload the stupid dishwasher one more time, pick up toys, figure out what we are going to eat for dinner.

I want to lie down on the ground and lose myself in my own grief for a day or two. Because I have never been able to do that.

Three other little people need me to continue on.

And I am thankful to them for that.

But I am hurting. I am not ok. I now understand what true grief feels like.

When the girls were born, and when Kathryn died two days later, I was drugged up, I was in shock. For months after that, I have been so focused on everything else in our life, I have been able to push it off.

But now… it is creeping in.

I don’t want to get up. I don’t care about the disaster my house is becoming.

I don’t care about the holidays. Or decorating for Christmas.

I don’t want to put on a fake smile and pretend like everything is ok. Because it is not. I am not.

This is not a pity party. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.

I want you to understand me. To understand any mother who has lost a baby.

I want to be able to speak about my pain, my grief, my sorrow without anyone thinking I am trying to garner attention.

And I want you to remember her.

Kathryn.

Author
Recent Posts

katbiggie

Freelance writer at Kat Biggie Press

Alexa B, who blogs as "Kat Biggie" is a wife, mother, and writer. She has three children and one in heaven. She recently self published a book entitled "Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother" which is available on Amazon. She blogs about life after the loss of one of her twin daughters to TTTS, motherhood, all things parenting, advocacy, grief support and social good.