Sharing the stories of other mothers who have gone through the nightmare of Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) can be so incredibly heartbreaking. But we do it for awareness. And the hope that the awareness we are sharing may help save even ONE family from the heartbreak we have experienced is good enough!
And those that write the stories do it to heal. To honor their children, here or in heaven, and to share with everyone those precious babies who are so important to us.
I have become friends with so many amazing women who, despite the most horrendous loss of losing one or both babies, have gone on to do incredible things. You may remember my post about Andrea from a few months ago, While Others Stand Still. Andrea, despite suffering such a horrendous loss, organized a huge drive for donations of bears, buttons, ribbons, and money for the Molly Bear organization. This wonderful charity sends bears to grieving mothers, specially designed to weigh the same amount as the baby lost. I am waiting for my Kathryn bear to arrive, and I can’t wait!
Andrea has decided that she is ready to share the story of her beautiful girls, Jackalyn and Alexa. Please read their story, as written by their beautiful mother, Andrea.
Jackalyn and Alexa – Too Soon to the Party by Andrea
May 2012 was a stressful month, lots of travel from our home in North Carolina to family in Tennessee, to see my stepson in NJ and back all in about 20 days. It hadn’t been a great trip and I had smashed my face on the side of a roller coaster cracking a tooth. So I felt horrible, truly miserable, not really noticing when that time of the month came and went…. with no sign of evil red. After a particularly bad reaction to a work related encounter with a dead body I clued in.
I swear that first pregnancy test took forever to confirm, I woke my poor husband up after only an hour of sleep because I was crying so hard. I had always wanted to be a mommy. While the shock was still fresh I went to the dentist for that pesky tooth. Infected, so on to penicillin I went, and on came the puking. Nothing would stay down and after 3 straight days the dentist advised me to go to the ER afraid that the infant might have been harmed by the penicillin.
Panicked my husband and I went, we had only told a couple of friends and my mother we were expecting. My family has a strong history of miscarriage and I was determined to not get excited till 12 weeks. In the ER they wouldn’t let my husband into the ultrasound. and I laid on that cold table in tears, “Please” I kept whispering to the tech “Please just tell me there’s still a heartbeat” I was 7 weeks so I knew it might be hard to get. “shh” said the tech “I’m concentrating”. So I cried, I was convinced that sure enough I had lost this child already.
Finally the tech said “I’m not supposed to show you this, but here.” She turned the monitor my way and said “Here is Baby A, and here is Baby B”. I think at that point I cried harder! No history in the family, no fertility drugs, no clue what the next 5 months would hold.
That was by far not my only trip to the ER with my bundles of “joy” 🙂 I was sick every 45 mins for 8 weeks running. 30 pounds and several hospital stays later at 15 weeks finally I got to start enjoying my pregnancy. 18 weeks came and we had running bets among the family about boys, girls or both! On our way into “sexting” Ultrasound we joked about names and how much longer I would be able to waddle around. I was already measuring almost 30 weeks around!
Never will I allow the world to forget that my girls lived, never will I allow myself to believe that this pain is all I have left to remember them by.
Latest posts by katbiggie (see all)
- What to say when a baby dies ; words of comfort - October 31, 2019
- Try listening to her, not fixing her – October 15th - October 15, 2019
- Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Book Bundle - October 3, 2019
Marlien saysJune 11, 2014 at 8:11 am
You area a unique woman, and I admire your strength and your passion to help others. I will never be able to grasp your pain, and I am so sorry for your loss. I have not lost a child, but I was close as my twin girls had TTTS stage 3 at 17 weeks, and it was the toughest journey my husband and I have ever gone through to date – this did bring us even closer together. We were blessed, as my girls made it, weighing 1.4lb and 4.1lb at 32 weeks, but it could have been so different.
You are an inspiration, and I hope your heart will find peace.
andrea Ross saysJune 11, 2014 at 6:59 pm
Thank you very much. It doesn’t feel much like bravery most days, more like the path I was suppose to lead. I’m very glad to hear your girls survived and being so tiny!
Sandy saysOctober 13, 2016 at 1:20 pm
So sorry for your loss 🙁 i lost my son at 19 weeks and the sadness in your eyes in the picture of u holding them i totally understood. May God give you strength and i am sure u will one day meet them in heaven x
Marsha saysDecember 29, 2019 at 2:29 am
So sorry for your loss TTTS sucks!! I lost my twin boys at 18weeks when i went into labor due to TTTS. That was a wednesday morning the saturday before i had been to the ER because i was 100% sure that i was leaking fluid and the dr refused to test it. Turns out i had been right. My recipient baby’s sac had been loosing fluid. It has been a month since i lost my boys and so many emotions thoughts and feelings flood me. I have been making crocheted items for our hospital nursery for other angel babies/parents.
katbiggie saysJanuary 6, 2020 at 7:35 am
I’m so sorry Marsha! Thank you for sharing your story as well. I love that you are doing that for the hospital!