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Those Quiet Moments

September 19, 2015 By katbiggie 5 Comments

Emotions. They can be weak, strong, good, bad. We go through highs and lows, gladness and madness. And sometimes, in a really bizarre scenario, all of them at the same time.

I feel that way often. Happy, mad, glad, sad, all melded together. I feel that way when I glance up and see the picture of my beautiful Kathryn and I realize I haven’t visited her recently. Sad that she’s not with me, mad that I’ve not loved her enough, glad that my other children keep me busy enough that I don’t wallow in the loss, and happy that, despite her not being here, we have three healthy children.

It’s September. In 9 days, I will mark the four year anniversary of receiving our TTTS diagnosis. And for the next three months, whether I want to or not, I will suffer, mostly silently, as the significant dates between the diagnosis to their birth on December 10th, death on December 12th, and her first funeral on December 21st. And as it happens every year, there will be dates of great happiness mixed right alongside. Thanksgiving, December 10th – Tiny’s birthday, December 22nd, Jelly Bean’s birthday, the Christmas season, other family birthdays. Happy, sad, glad, mad.

I’m keeping myself so busy I rarely have the time to acknowledge those deep wounds that still fester, but sometimes it still sneaks through.  I thought by four years out, I would have lost the strongest of urges to have had that twin experience. But it’s still there. I was working a vendor event this year, and we were talking about our pregnancies, and I talked about the twins as if they were both still here. I left out the fact that while they were born together, only one came home. Thankfully, no one asked me any specific questions, and I was happy to let them assume that I had four children at home. And I didn’t feel bad about leaving that assumption out there. Because in my heart, there will always be four.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. It’s not for attention, it’s not for sympathy. It’s just one of those posts that I’m writing for ME. I’m processing many feelings that I know so many other people struggle with as well, and if you’re reading this and sad because of the loss of someone important in your life, just know that you aren’t alone. Even when it feels like the rest of the world has moved on.

TTTS Twinless Twin

 

 

 

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katbiggie

Freelance writer at Kat Biggie Press
Alexa B, who blogs as "Kat Biggie" is a wife, mother, and writer. She has three children and one in heaven. She recently self published a book entitled "Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother" which is available on Amazon. She blogs about life after the loss of one of her twin daughters to TTTS, motherhood, all things parenting, advocacy, grief support and social good.

Latest posts by katbiggie (see all)

  • What to say when a baby dies ; words of comfort - October 31, 2019
  • Try listening to her, not fixing her – October 15th - October 15, 2019
  • Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Book Bundle - October 3, 2019

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Filed Under: grief, infant loss Tagged With: Grief, TTTS, twinless twin

Comments

  1. Janine Huldie says

    September 19, 2015 at 9:26 pm

    Beautifully stated Alexa and although I cannot fully relate I still hope you know that I am thinking of you and sending love and hugs as you close in on this anniversary.
    Janine Huldie recently posted…The ABCs of Me-Next Time Won’t You Sing With MeMy Profile

    Reply
    • katbiggie says

      September 20, 2015 at 4:30 pm

      Thanks Janine. xoxo

      Reply
  2. Jennifer Starnes says

    September 20, 2015 at 9:20 am

    Love you!!!

    Reply
    • katbiggie says

      September 20, 2015 at 4:30 pm

      Love you too!

      Reply
  3. Chris Carter says

    September 21, 2015 at 11:58 am

    OH my friend… This is so beautiful, as you share such emotional and inspiring words here in this post. I am aching deep inside for your precious mama heart- especially during this season. Thank you for letting us inside your world, so that we can all have a deeper understanding of your grief as it continues to unfold. As ‘life moves on’- it’s so important to realize hurting hearts may transform and change, but the hurt is still very much alive. Pain seems to always be present despite the joys that fill our world. And as it rises in you, please know I am here and praying for you.
    Chris Carter recently posted…Parenting Through Principles and PerspectiveMy Profile

    Reply

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