Today I am very excited to feature a Guest Post from Tova Gold. I came across Tova on Facebook through several different TTTS groups I am a part of, and was immediately drawn in by her absolute positive outlook on life and her desire to be happy and full of life, despite losing both of her twin girls to TTTS. Tova taught me that it is ok for me to be happy and embrace life while grieving.
I have participated in her “Muchness” Challenges (you can see me finding my muchness here). I hope you will visit her and find out how you can find your muchness too!
Tova Gold is the founder of FindingMyMuchness.com. Founded in memory of her twin daughters, forever nicknamed Sunshine and Daisy, Stolen by TTTS in September 2009. Finding My Muchness is dedicated to helping women re-find their joy and identity after grief or trauma.
Are you afraid to forget them?
I used to think that if I stopped crying I’d start forgetting. I feared that rejoining the land of the living would be an indicator that I’d forgotten who’d died.
So I’d stop myself, mid-laugh, just to check in with the sad me, making sure she was still there, because the sad me would always remember.
Or I’d take time alone in the shower, just to cry, forcing the tears. I’d cried more tears for them than for anything else, ever. My tears belonged to them and made me feel connected to them. So I looked for the tears when I wanted to grieve.
My thinking–> I grieve because I love, And I remember because I grieve.
But time has passed and something has shifted. Around the first anniversary of their death, I started to feel different. I started to want to smile again, and really mean it. Over time, that feeling grew into a desire to live like I was alive. I wanted to live life as a celebration. I wanted to live it fully, as me, with no apologies and no regrets. I wanted to live a life my babies would be proud of. I wanted to be happy.
But what would that mean for my pain? Would it have to go away? If it went away, would my memories go with it?
And just as those first days, weeks and months passed, minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day, I’ve learned to adjust my perspective. I’ve made my journey to find my happiness a celebration of my girls. Now, when I laugh, I don’t have to stop laughing to think about them, because I know I am laughing for them. Losing them sunk me to the darkest places in my soul, but from there I could only go up. They are the reason I laugh freer, the reason I sing louder and the reason I can dance around the living room with my two living daughters, acting like a crazy fool.
They taught me how.
Their death forced me to experience a depth of emotion that I hadn’t felt in a long, long time, if ever. I realized if I was capable of experiencing that depth of emotion through grief and sadness, I should also be able to experience that same level of emotion through joy and passion. And that was the choice I made. To make this a journey of joy and passion. To ignite my life with the spirit and intensity I learned by loving and mourning them.
Some days it is still a challenge, and I allow myself to cry and miss them whenever I feel the need. Grief is beautiful, in it’s own, unexpected way. But I also celebrate them in the joyful little things, because seeing them in those things is their gift to me.
And that’s also how I know I’ll never forget them. Because memories of them now find me on my best days, not my worst. And I strive to have as many best days as I can possibly have.
If you are feeling trapped in the darkness of a loss, please know you’re not alone. But also know that the love you have inside for your lost baby is a powerful fire that can truly move mountains. Allow yourself to grieve however feels right, but when you are ready, also allow yourself to be ignited in beautiful, powerful, positive ways. That is the best, healthiest, most beautiful way to honor and always remember your baby.
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