Isn’t it crazy that so many of us hate change, and yet there are only two things that I feel certain about – the fact that we all die and the fact that everything changes.
So why not embrace it more?
I guess it really depends on the type of change, doesn’t it? For example, getting fired from a job, not something I’d like to embrace. But watching my children learn and grow, moving through the phases of life, realizing that I had a fairly normal emotional week for the first time in so long… those are changes I am much more willing to embrace.
It struck me one evening this week, as I was enjoying an unusually pleasant summer evening in the back yard with the kids. The three of them gallivanted around, playing chase, throwing the Frisbee, having a lovely time. And I had a realization that things had shifted. I am happy. Things feel normal. I don’t feel a gaping void in my heart and spirit.
And for about five seconds, that acknowledgment scared the crap out of me. I began to panic that I was forgetting Kathryn, letting her go, not being a loyal mother to my child who is in heaven. Am I ready to let go of the grief? Am I ready to embrace this change? This new normal?
And then I took a deep breath, reveled in the sounds of my three living, happy, healthy, children, and I realized that it is ok to be happy. It is fine to move on.
It is also fine to grieve when I need to do so.
And I know that I will never forget her but it is better if I do not get stuck in a period of mourning.
I heard from a friend Kristi, who writes a beautiful blog at This Side of Heaven, that the normal heavy grieving time for a parent who has lost a child is 18-24 months. We are at 18.5, so I guess I am right at the point that I should be!
But change is still hard.
Because change can be so scary.
Because we like to stay in our comfort zones.
This week I broke out of my comfort zone a little, in more ways than one.
I did not get to blog that much, but I did write one beautiful post worth visiting called Heavenward.
I acknowledged that I am moving beyond the heavy grieving.
I agreed to train with my husband for a Tough Mudder. 10 Miles. Yikes.
And I volunteered at Vacation Bible School! That was crazy for me cause I generally don’t enjoy that type of thing. (And it Wore.Me.OUT!) But I loved it. And my kids loved having me there with them!
So I will leave you with a short video of one of my happiest moments from this week. The silly “Hamster Dance” at VBS!