Isn’t it crazy that so many of us hate change, and yet there are only two things that I feel certain about – the fact that we all die and the fact that everything changes.
So why not embrace it more?
I guess it really depends on the type of change, doesn’t it? For example, getting fired from a job, not something I’d like to embrace. But watching my children learn and grow, moving through the phases of life, realizing that I had a fairly normal emotional week for the first time in so long… those are changes I am much more willing to embrace.
It struck me one evening this week, as I was enjoying an unusually pleasant summer evening in the back yard with the kids. The three of them gallivanted around, playing chase, throwing the Frisbee, having a lovely time. And I had a realization that things had shifted. I am happy. Things feel normal. I don’t feel a gaping void in my heart and spirit.
And for about five seconds, that acknowledgment scared the crap out of me. I began to panic that I was forgetting Kathryn, letting her go, not being a loyal mother to my child who is in heaven. Am I ready to let go of the grief? Am I ready to embrace this change? This new normal?
And then I took a deep breath, reveled in the sounds of my three living, happy, healthy, children, and I realized that it is ok to be happy. It is fine to move on.
It is also fine to grieve when I need to do so.
And I know that I will never forget her but it is better if I do not get stuck in a period of mourning.
I heard from a friend Kristi, who writes a beautiful blog at This Side of Heaven, that the normal heavy grieving time for a parent who has lost a child is 18-24 months. We are at 18.5, so I guess I am right at the point that I should be!
But change is still hard.
Because change can be so scary.
Because we like to stay in our comfort zones.
This week I broke out of my comfort zone a little, in more ways than one.
I did not get to blog that much, but I did write one beautiful post worth visiting called Heavenward.
I acknowledged that I am moving beyond the heavy grieving.
I agreed to train with my husband for a Tough Mudder. 10 Miles. Yikes.
And I volunteered at Vacation Bible School! That was crazy for me cause I generally don’t enjoy that type of thing. (And it Wore.Me.OUT!) But I loved it. And my kids loved having me there with them!
So I will leave you with a short video of one of my happiest moments from this week. The silly “Hamster Dance” at VBS!
katbiggie
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The Dose of Reality says
June 22, 2013 at 1:44 pmYou’re so right. Change is just hard and scary. We’re not great with change. Either of us.
Love the VBS video. Aw!!! So cute!! No wonder that was your happiest moment of the week. Just adorable!! –The Dose Girls
The Dose of Reality recently posted…Hunger Is Something We Take Personally
katbiggie says
June 22, 2013 at 2:03 pmThank you! I just loved watching my son be silly and run around like a little hamster!! 🙂
Kerry says
June 22, 2013 at 1:53 pmGreat video! I hear yah on the change thing. For me, sometimes I get afraid of trying something new because I worry about what could go wrong, will I mess up, or is the grass not necessarily greener on the other side. I’m glad you are finding a place with more happiness. You are so strong!
Kerry recently posted…Weekend Mission: Potty Train Kid No. 3
katbiggie says
June 22, 2013 at 2:02 pmThank you Kerry, that is really sweet of you to say! How is the potty training going??
Ilene says
June 22, 2013 at 2:04 pmI l can’t imagine that gut wrenching feeling of being unsure as to whether or not we should allow ourselves to be happy – because we feel we may be betraying a child we’ve lost. When my son was in the NICU I remember feeling guilty about allowing myself to enjoy life at all – because he was in such a fragile position, but as he grew stronger, I was able to let that go and of course, I was fortunate enough to bring him home. I recently read a wonderful post written by a mother who lost a son to cancer where she proclaimed her growing ability to no longer live in the past but to bring a piece of the past with her. It sounds like you are in that spot – where you can enjoy the moment – despite having endured something unimaginable. Hugs to you, today and always.
Ilene recently posted…I Looked Up
katbiggie says
June 23, 2013 at 3:02 pmThe NICU is a terrifying experience in itself! Those days do not bring me any warm fuzzies either! Yes, I love the idea of bringing a piece of the past with us without getting stuck in it.
Ee-ah says
June 22, 2013 at 2:05 pmNaynorbug with the rad moves! Love it!
katbiggie says
June 23, 2013 at 3:01 pmYou know it!
Janine Huldie says
June 22, 2013 at 2:27 pmWonderful video and do agree that change is definitely hard at times, but is necessary for us to keep on growing and moving forward. I think it sounds though that you are truly right where you should be and am happy that you are in such a great place now, Alexa. Seriously, you deserve some peace and happiness, too. I mean if anyone does, it is certainly you my friend!! 🙂
Janine Huldie recently posted…Finally Summer Vacation Wrap-Up
another jennifer says
June 22, 2013 at 9:32 pmAs I read this post, I had this overwhelming feeling that Kathryn actually helped you write this. I’ve read many of your posts, but this one was different. Just know that whatever you are feeling is normal for you. And that’s all that matters. Hugs! 🙂
Oh, and that video is hilarious!
another jennifer recently posted…Philanthropy Friday: Fresh Air: Open Your Heart and Your Home
katbiggie says
June 22, 2013 at 11:37 pmThank you so much Jennifer. I often feel like she is encouraging me to embrace the good, while always being here with me. Something strange happened the other day. Randomly I dressed myself and Tiny in yellow shirts (very rare, I assure you) and we went out in the back yard to do something. A yellow and black butterfly flitted right across in front of us. I am so not lying when I say it’s the first yellow and black butterfly I have seen in our back yard all year, and we were both wearing yellow. Maybe I’m stretching for coincidences, but it brought me a moment of pure peace and joy that she was saying hello to us!
another jennifer says
June 23, 2013 at 8:48 amI have no doubt that is Kathryn, Alexa! I have friend who is often visited by a hummingbird, and that’s how her mom said she’d come back. Another friend recently planted flowers at her dad’s grave and a turtle came right up and crawled over her work. Some things you just can’t explain. 🙂
another jennifer recently posted…Philanthropy Friday: Fresh Air: Open Your Heart and Your Home
katbiggie says
June 23, 2013 at 2:52 pmThank you. I know it was her too. 🙂
Victoria at Busy House Big Heart says
June 23, 2013 at 1:59 amChange is constant. True dat!
Everyone grieves differently, love for the ones you lost doesn’t disappear when grieving is lessened. Please don’t feel guilty when you feel happy.
Tough mudder??? That’s intense! 10 miles in mud, up walls, under ropes. It should be fun 🙂
Victoria at Busy House Big Heart recently posted…First Vlog? Last Vlog?
katbiggie says
June 23, 2013 at 3:01 pmYes something tells me it will be a little more intense than the Dirty Girl, non competitive mud run that I did last year!
Chris Carter says
June 23, 2013 at 9:47 amHave you ever thought that Kathryn wants you to embrace her siblings and find new joy in this world with them? I wonder if she cries when you cry… she mourns when you mourn… she laughs when you laugh…
I love that you are finding pieces of joy as you are able to engage more and grieve less…. always remember that Kathryn will never ever go away…as you release her little by little. I keep thinking how she is growing with you… and your precious living kids… and the greatest blessings you can give her is for her to watch her family live life to the fullest and be a part of each and every moment in her own heavenly way…
Chris Carter recently posted…Devotional Diaries: Rest
katbiggie says
June 23, 2013 at 3:03 pmTotally! I know that’s what she would want. And she finds ways to tell us that she is near us. It’s a beautiful thing.
Michelle says
June 23, 2013 at 8:43 pmCute video! It is ok to be happy. Kathryn will always be in your memories, and she will always be in your heart. I am sure your angel is looking down on you and your family! Thinking of you, my friend.
Michelle recently posted…Fresh Air Fund…A Life Changing Experience
katbiggie says
June 23, 2013 at 9:42 pmThank you Michelle! 😉
Mothering From Scratch says
June 24, 2013 at 5:41 pm{Melinda} I so understand this … change, even good change, is scary. And especially when we emerge from a time of trauma or grieving and things begin to seem a little bit peaceful and good again, it can seem strange. Like what am I missing here? There is surely something I need to feel anxious or worried about. I am so sorry for your loss. It does sound like you are grieving and healing in a healthy way. That is no small feat. It is so easy to become mired in our grief. Hugs and love to you, my friend. <3
Mothering From Scratch recently posted…how momma love made me lose my cookies
katbiggie says
June 24, 2013 at 10:09 pmThank you so very much. I appreciate the thoughtful comment. it’s nice to know that others understand what I am conveying! 🙂
ronnie says
June 29, 2013 at 9:37 amCongratulations on your progress!
I can’t imagine your struggle but my heart goes out to you.
Here’s to continuing to move forward.
Much love <3
ronnie recently posted…Let’s Eat: Bobby’s Burger Palace