No Holding Back

Living With Purpose

Just Go For it! {Encouragement}

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I am on vacation y’all! Thank goodness, because after what seems like two years of rain, we needed to get away. I’m so happy to have Ilene from the Fierce Diva Guide to Life as a guest contributor today. Her writing always moves me. Heck, Ilene moves me. She is an incredible woman, who I have become friends with. Ilene is so grounded and full of peace. I find myself feeling more “happy” every time I talk to her. Today she gives us encouragement in accomplishing the things in life we want to do, even when others do not support our endeavors. Enjoy!

Go For It!

Ilene

“Aren’t you worried about how you’re going to make money?”

“I’ll teach yoga.  I’ll freelance. I’ll wait tables.  It will be fine.” 

“But you don’t know anyone down there.”

“I didn’t know anyone when I moved here, did I?”

“What if it doesn’t work out?”

“Can you specify what you mean by not working out?” 

Ah, the naysayers.  I’ve known many.  These are just a few examples of the things people have said to me over the past few months about the relocation I’m planning to make with my children next month, to a town four states away from where we currently live. The naysaying has been aplenty over this, the alarmists about my safety, the worriers about my financial health and over the emotional stability of my children who will be living 600 miles away from their father.

I bet you deal with naysaying too.

Maybe one of these looks familiar:

“You’re going to wear that to the party?”

“Don’t you get concerned that other parents won’t want him to play with their kids when he acts that way?”

“Are you sure you want to go into that field? I hear it’s really tough to find a job in that industry.”

Or – what about when you call a friend with really good news and she responds with the same tone she would have used to reply to your telling her you had found a good deal on tomatoes at the grocery store?

It’s difficult when a friend or a spouse or a family member shows little support for something in our lives that matters to us, or even worse, when they seem against it.  It’s normal to not only want those close to us to rally for our cause, but to have unbridled enthusiasm for our cause.

“Go for it!”

“I’m so proud of you!”

“I’m here for you!”

…are the things we want to hear when we share our newest pursuit or triumph.

But next time your loved ones don’t jump for joy over your successes or goals, try to remember this:

I believe that when a friend, parent, sibling, or spouse fails to support something that is important to us, it has everything to do with their own baggage that they bring to our relationships.

People see us through their own filters, and they see our lives in relation to theirs versus something that stands alone.

If they believe that what you are doing will affect them in a way that they don’t want, they may not share your enthusiasm due to their own agendas, whether they realize this agenda or not. I am moving far away from people who love me. People don’t want me to go.  They’ll miss me, and instead of just saying “I’ll miss you,” and dealing with their own pain over this, some, instead, have tried to convince me it’s the wrong thing to do to get me to stay.

Also, don’t forget that others may look at the things you are doing through their own fear filter.  They can’t possibly imagine doing what you’re doing because it would scare them.  The move that I am about to make is out of the comfort zone of many.  Since they can’t imagine doing it for themselves, they can’t imagine anyone being able to do it at all.

Also, when you share news and look for support, be honest with yourself.  Are you looking for outside validation?  Do you believe 100% in what you’re doing, or are you looking for someone to give you “approval?”

Yes, it’s important to surround ourselves with people who can provide us with healthy, objective support, but more than anything, we need to believe in ourselves wholly and entirely.

surfing

If you believe in what you are doing and in the goals you’re pursuing, the naysaying won’t bother you as much.

It’s nice when people have our backs, but nothing is more valuable in this life than we can stand behind ourselves.

Whatever it is you want in this life, I hope you go for it despite the naysaying.  I hope you go now,  I hope you start today,  in forging ahead with all of the brilliant things that you were put on this earth to do.

Namaste,

xo

Ilene

###

 

profile picIlene Evans, the Creator of The Fierce Diva Guide to Life, is a single mother to three awesome kids, a freelance writer, yoga teacher, lover of eyeliner, incense, and skullcaps, and a believer in possibilities.   She loves approval from others as much as the next person, but she’s leaning to trust her own instincts and abilities, one triumph at a time.

You can find Ilene on her blog, as well as Facebook, Twitter, or Google Plus.

 

 

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Comments

  5. You speak so much truth, which is why I love you. My parents’ variation of this, which was a combination of fear factor and their own experiences, was “Great, be a writer … but have a backup.” I should never have listened to that second part. I mean, OK, great, I met my husband in grad school, and I love him, and he’s awesome. But he and I grew up within an hour of each other. One time, I got lost in Cincinnati and waited (unknowingly) at the Hardee’s where he worked for rescue. I believe we would have met no matter what. I should have gone for the MFA, not the goddamned English degree. Not the fucking library science degree. Because having that back up has held me back from doing what I NEED in favor of doing things that make money. Because the music industry scarred and jaded them so badly, my parents couldn’t imagine my having a less than ghastly experience with the publishing industry. It wasn’t that they doubted my talent or tenacity, but that they knew how bad things could and often DID go.

    On the other hand, it is with Scott’s support that I have carved out the time TO write. I never meant to come out of grad school valuing a marriage more than either of the professional degrees I earned, but having done it this way, I wouldn’t change a thing. On the other hand, if my kids want to be dancers, I won’t tell them to have a backup. I’ll tell them how proud I am and ask what I can do to help make it happen.
    Jester Queen recently posted…Moving bodies in spaceMy Profile

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    • Oh, Jessie, you comment gave me chills. We had such similar experiences and I am just starting to give myself permission to go out and pursue the things I love. I am so happy you have Scott to support you in your goals. I love you but I also love you both as a couple. And I also adore and agree what you say about your kids and I hope I can do the same for mine.
      Ilene recently posted…Go For It!My Profile

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  6. I am jumping up and down for joy for you, Ilene! Yes, it’s scary, but that’s incentive to do whatever you must to remove those obstacles that are causing the fear.
    I know exactly what you are talking about. As we, too, plan to move 1,000 miles from home, we joke about all the people who have joined what we have coined the 2013 Disappointment Tour. These are the naysayers, the obviously disappointed, bitter, and almost angry. Fortunately, they are offset by those that hug us tightly and tell us how excited they are for this new adventure and also how much they will miss us.
    In the end, though, as you so perfectly say, we need to stand behind ourselves. xo
    Kim recently posted…Living in the In-BetweenMy Profile

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    • Kim, I love that you have a tour name for the naysayers. It’s so true! I have those that are bitter and angry over what I’m doing and also those who love me and who will miss me but who are also supportive. Those are the ones I’ve stuck close to while also reminding myself to believe in my next move. I wish you all the best with your upcoming move as well!
      Ilene recently posted…Go For It!My Profile

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  7. Brilliant topic and post, Ilene! It hurts when loved ones don’t support our visions even when I’m clear their reactions are all about them. I’m getting better at attaching to people who can be excited for me and trust my process and own their own shit. And I’m grateful to be willing to look at and own mine! Go get ’em girlfriend! You’re a miracle and an inspiration!
    Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted…Falling In Love With BoysMy Profile

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    • I experience that too – I can be perfectly clear on why someone is discouraging me or trying to bring me down, but it can still feel disappointing at the same time. I like you am trying to hand with those who support my decisions – and love the naysayers – but from afar.
      Ilene recently posted…Go For It!My Profile

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  8. Ilene this was awesome. I wrote a very similar post months ago, but it was more to the tune of “eff” them and primarily targeted at people outside your circle. This is a really good read for dealing with people inside your circle. We all deal with this and it can be disappointing if you aren’t prepared with a response to these type of things. Thanks for giving us food for thought so we can be better prepared next time this occurs. All the best to you and the children with the move.

    Hey Alexa! Enjoy your vacation!
    Joi @ Rx Fitness Lady recently posted…Know Your Personnel – The Right Mix of Real Friends & Blog FriendsMy Profile

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    • Thanks, Joi, I think it’s something we all deal with from time to time, if not with family, then with friends. I have to constantly remind myself that people bring their own “stuff” to the table and that there are some that fear that what I do will affect them negatively, or they’re envious, or afraid or whatever. Sometimes, if I’m feeling strong, it won’t bother me as much. Sometimes, if I’m not feeling as strong, I’m better off loving them from afar!
      Ilene recently posted…Must Love DogsMy Profile

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  9. Wise words, Ilene! Only you can know for certain the best choices for you. When we told my in-laws that we were pregnant with Benjamin the response was, “Where are you going to put it??” I’m not sure what baggage that question came from, but I have never forgotten it. I’m sure they don’t think about him that way now, but their initial reaction was *not* what I was expecting.
    Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted…The Attack of the Killer CaterpillarMy Profile

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    • Oh boy! I got a similar response from my in laws when I announced I was pregnant with my second! I believe the response was “No more babies!” I love my family, even when they make everything about them. 🙂
      Ilene recently posted…Must Love DogsMy Profile

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  10. Yay to see you here! I’m so with you that when people naysay, it says more about how they feel about themselves than you. My grandparents went through the Depression and would panic whenever I broke up with a guy who had money. “Are you sure you want to break up with this jerk, and go out with the one you truly love?” haha..well they didn’t say that but it’s how I took it. Funny, I never thought anything but “go for it” when you mentioned this move. Mostly because Tammigirl and I are going to visit you. And when we tell people that we’ve never met and we’re going to visit someone we’ve never met in person, we expect them all to say, “Go for it!”
    Oh, and there’s also wdhafm.com so you can still hear my sister’s voice. In fact, there will probably be a shout-out for you soon.
    Tamara recently posted…Vertigo.My Profile

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    • I have had the exact same naysaying over the rich BF’s that I didn’t marry! No, I can’t learn to love someone just because he had money! Ohmygosh. You and I have so much in common, sister. So much in common. And you and Tammigirl are welcome any time – and if not, one of those long holiday breaks that I’m back up in NJ with the kids, I am totally crashing your sister’s lake house – at least for an hour! I can’t wait for us to meet IRL. It feels as if we already have!
      Ilene recently posted…Must Love DogsMy Profile

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  11. I love this! So true that there are those that may not understand our decisions or leaps. I know I have looked to others for approval in the past, but sometimes you just need to trust yourself and follow the path where it leads. Looking back and thinking ‘what if?’ is sometimes just not an option! I wish you all the best on your journey, Ilene!

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  12. I went through the same thing when I did the same thing 6 years ago and it’s worked out swimmingly! And you will know people… like me 🙂 (although I don’t know how close I am) and Shell and several others. (YEAH for blog friends!) Email me and I’ll give you a short cut for those ten hour trips to cut out DC and Baltimore! 🙂
    Single Mom in the South recently posted…Shout Out: Raising Flowers and SkidsMy Profile

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    • I will have to email you! I didn’t realize you had a 10 hour trip until this weekend! I love that I have bloggy friends who have done the same that I can learn from!
      Ilene recently posted…Must Love DogsMy Profile

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    • I have a very good friend who has lived on several continents with her husband and now with her son as well. That’s just how they roll. I think it’s fabulous that you do the same!
      Ilene recently posted…Must Love DogsMy Profile

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  14. I needed to hear this message today. I am totally one of those people who still seeks outside validation. And when I don’t get it from a few key individuals, I start to question my decision. I think I’m getting better, but I suppose it’s a sign I’m still growing up. 🙂 I’m sure your transition will go well and will be a fresh, healthy start to new adventures.
    Kerry recently posted…Talking Money with Your Kids & The Heavy PurseMy Profile

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    • I am very much still growing up too! And yes, I LOVE outside validation, but have learned to depend on it less and less, especially with some of the circumstances going on right now, I couldn’t. I’d hate to think of where I’d be right now if I listened to some of the naysayers!
      Ilene recently posted…Must Love DogsMy Profile

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  15. AMAZING POST! Thanks for sharing Ilene… Just by reading this post alone I agree with Kat. You are an inspiration. It is so easy to let fear and judgment from others put our own dreams and goals at a standstill. It is of great character to push through our fears and those naysayers and create the life we have imagined. We are all destined for our own greatness whether it is being the best stay at home mom, writer, nurse, secretay, life coach etc! It matters not… utlilize your gifts/talent and God will lead the way! #Life can be beautiful and all you imagine# ~Leah~ Thanks for sharing 🙂

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  16. You are so brave, and I admire you. It hard to not lot the naysayers get you down but I loved your line about validation or approval b/c that’s so true…and you believe wholly in yourself then it shouldn’t matter what other people say. Again another beautiful post!
    Natalie recently posted…We’re in a GrooveMy Profile

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    • Thank you so much Natalie! Self belief and self love rule. If we have that, it’s all OK, no matter what “it” is. And it allows us to know that we can do anything we put our heart and mind to!
      Ilene recently posted…Must Love DogsMy Profile

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  18. This has been on my mind a lot lately, so it was perfect timing to read your post. Who am I to squash someone else’s dream? If it doesn’t work out – so be it – at least they went down the road and knew for certain it was the wrong one. If it does work out – then more power to the person! I find that people find satisfaction in naysaying, or celebrating failures – yes – celebrating. You know the friends that are there when you fail (they become the “I told you so” supporters) and seem to try to ruin any joy you get from success. They can’t handle your adventure, your courage, your success. I applaud you for your courage and think you are in for the biggest and best adventure of your life!!
    Leah Davidson recently posted…My White Picket Fence and GardenMy Profile

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  19. I’ve said it before, Ilene, you are going to rock this move. I love that you are following your heart and your gut. I’ve had plenty of naysayers. In fact, I’m pretty sure I can attribute a lot of my successes to those naysayers. They keep me going, even if it hurts when they are close and just don’t get it. Some (most?) of the best things in my life have happened because I didn’t do what I was expected to do. I feel bad for those who are too afraid to take a risk every now and then. Go for it!

    Darn it, it’s late and now I’m all fired up… 🙂
    another jennifer recently posted…A Stroll Down Maine Street, BrunswickMy Profile

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    • I love that you’re fired up and I love your words – and I love that you are someone who has gone against expectations to find such success. To me, those are always the most inspiring stories.
      Ilene recently posted…Must Love DogsMy Profile

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  20. Love this post and Ilene! I’m very familiar with naysayers and it took me a long long time to realize that their doubt, fear and frustration really didn’t have anything to do with me or my ability or anything at all and that it had more to do with their baggage. While it still hurts when those family members and friends show their doubt, I can at least step back and breathe knowing that it’s not really about me.
    Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted…All-night Walk Under the MoonlightMy Profile

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  21. Ilene! Ilene! Ilene! How did you know that this was what I needed to hear? I am stepping WAY out of my comfort zone this weekend and I don’t have all of the support I want. You know what is getting me through it? Knowing I am going to meet you and other women I love talking to. I admire you so much that you are heading toward this adventure. You seriously know how to live. What an incredible role model you are for your kids and other women to just got for it. Just do it.
    AnnMarie recently posted…Sunday GratitudeMy Profile

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    • I can’t wait to meet you! Can’t wait! Can’t wait! And your words of encouragement give me such momentum – during those moments that I’m not the best at giving it to myself. xoo
      Ilene recently posted…Must Love DogsMy Profile

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  22. Love this post, Ilene!! I’m a huge believer in people following their heart and I think having the support of others helps!!!
    Kim recently posted…GUILTMy Profile

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  23. I love this post. It’s so true and it can be so difficult to get a handle on filtering out the bad, the ugly and the hurtful. Listening to yourself and being 100% sure of your decision is right on. Very few people will be able to step outside themselves and give an unbiased opinion, you have to trust yourself. So glad you posted this, good luck with your move!
    Stephanie recently posted…Knock Your Socks Off – A Father’s Day CocktailMy Profile

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    • It’s so true that very few people can give an unbiased opinion, and ironically, it’s usually the ones who love us the most who are the most biased. We can do our thing and love them anyway. Thanks for stopping by!
      Ilene recently posted…Must Love DogsMy Profile

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  25. Can you get anymore awesome? I love this!! Like I have told you before – the move is going to be great for you and your kids. I had naysayers when I made my move – heck, I was even a naysayer at the time but it has all worked out for the best. I actually stopped and emailed my old boss who kept on telling me the move was actually a good thing and would make things better for me and my kids – I had to email him and tell him thank you for that – because he was right. Thank you for reminding me to appreciate those who supported me even when I didn’t support myself. I love you girl!
    Krystal recently posted…So Sometimes I Sugarcoat ItMy Profile

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