“Oh no buddy, what happened?” I could tell by the way my son held his head low and slithered into the van at pick up on Monday that something was not right.
“I don’t even want to tell you about it,” he stated.
“Did you have a rough day?”
And then he just started venting. The whole way home. I’m not even really sure what actually happened, what was embellished, and what was just normal seven year old drama. But he was upset. And from what I could glean from his confusing story, he’d been bullied all day long. By different people and for different reasons. And he was feeling down.
Normally when we get home, he goes to watch his sacred 30 minutes of cartoons while eating a snack, but this day, he says “Mom, I’m going to write a song. And it’s called ‘All I Know is Pain.'”
And that’s when it hit me.
My son has caught my depression.
My sweet, innocent, sensitive boy.
Can you catch depression?
I wanted to know, so I googled it. Turns out, according to this article Depression and Loneliness Are More Contagious than you Think, the answer is YES.
If you spend enough time around someone who is depressed or lonely, it actually can transfer to you. And goodness knows, I have not been the happiest of mamas.
March and April are always especially difficult because I spend so much time devoted to fundraising for March for Babies – talking about Kathryn and re-living and remembering. Then add in my campaign for grieving mothers – which added a lot of unnecessary stress and commitments that left me overwhelmed and exhausted. It put stress on my marriage, stress on my children.
Followed by Mother’s Day.
Followed by Return to Zero, which quite frankly, knocked me on my ass. I didn’t expect it, but it did. Perhaps it was the fact that it aired around the one year anniversary of the stillbirth of my friend’s baby. I don’t know. But it broke me.
And now I am terrified that my brokenness is breaking my child.
I also googled signs of depression in children. I found a fantastic article on WebMD that lists the following:
Signs and symptoms of depression in children include:
- Irritability or anger.
- Continuous feelings of sadness and hopelessness.
- Social withdrawal.
- Increased sensitivity to rejection.
- Changes in appetite — either increased or decreased.
- Changes in sleep — sleeplessness or excessive sleep.
- Vocal outbursts or crying.
- Difficulty concentrating.
- Fatigue and low energy.
- Physical complaints (such as stomachaches, headaches) that don’t respond to treatment.
- Reduced ability to function during events and activities at home or with friends, in school, extracurricular activities, and in other hobbies or interests.
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt.
- Impaired thinking or concentration.
- Thoughts of death or suicide.
While it says it is VERY rare for a child under twelve to attempt suicide, it has happened.
More importantly, often these signs get overlooked in children because they can all be normal in young children as well.
I could check off many of these items for Bug. Is he depressed, or did he just have a bad day? He’s always had a flair for drama.
My quick google research shows me that depression is also genetic. It can run in the family. It runs in ours.
Starting from about the time I turned 12 until well into high school, I displayed every.single.one.of.those.symptoms. And I was so very, very, very angry. I hid it well (except from my family, who just thought I was a raging hormonal bitch) and I fought it. Without help, without drugs. With a lot of Tesla, Poison, Skid Row, and of course, Kix.
I didn’t know it until many years later, but I was severely depressed.
Considering this was my anthem, I don’t know why no one caught on.
We’ve had a rough three years.
I know what he feels when he says those words “All I know is pain.”
I don’t want my son to hurt.
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Kerry says
May 21, 2014 at 1:36 pmWow – I hope it was just a bad day. It is tough being a kid – and kids can be so mean to one another. I know you are an awesome mom though – so you’ll keep monitoring him and get him the help he needs, if necessary.
katbiggie says
May 21, 2014 at 1:40 pmI hope so too. I think there is also a lot to be said for what he is exposed to – video games, tv shows. I’m going to be implementing some changes. I’ve got my eye on him. Thank you for the sweet words!
ellie says
May 21, 2014 at 1:36 pmOh I am so sad to read this. Have you connected with the school counselor yet? They should be able to help plus connect you with a counselor outside of school. If he can start working through this now, it will save him so many tough years ahead. Prayers to you both!
katbiggie says
May 21, 2014 at 1:39 pmThank you, I hadn’t thought about that. I will ask the counselor for help.
Janine Huldie says
May 21, 2014 at 3:21 pmI was practically crying reading this and truly am hoping that it was a bad day and just that. But even if it wasn’t, I have total faith that you will do whatever it takes to get to the bottom if this for your son. Major hugs and thinking of you now.
Katie @ Pick Any Two says
May 21, 2014 at 4:04 pmWhether it was just a bad day or something more than that, what matters is that you’re aware of it and willing to help your son in whatever ways he’s needs. Hugs for all of you!
Chris Carter says
May 21, 2014 at 5:53 pmOH Alexa! Bless your mama heart. You have had such a difficult few months and with everything else going on, you now have this heavy burden of your precious child hurting…
I am praying for you both. I would like to think that perhaps bug is just responding from all the stress of the last few months as well… and will recover and rebound this summer with full vitality and light!
You know best with your mama heart and radar, my friend. It never hurts to make some calls and have him see a counselor. The poor guy has been through a lot too.
Tamara says
May 21, 2014 at 9:43 pmKids are so much stronger and more resilient than we are – I hope he bounces back.
I think it’s astounding that he channeled it into impressive songwriting.
Lisa @ The Golden Spoons says
May 21, 2014 at 9:52 pmThe good news is that, even if he is depressed, you have recognized it early and you have the tools to address it. It is so painful to see our children hurt – especially when we think we have anything to do with that hurt. Hopefully, it was just a tough day, but if not, I’m certain you will do all the right things to help him. Hugs and prayers for you both!
faith says
May 21, 2014 at 10:18 pmO no, my sweet little buddy. This just breaks my heart. Tell him his buddy Jack would love to hang with him. =) Give him a HUGE hug from the Clark’s. He is such a sweet boy with such a tender heart, I HATE to hear people are not being nice to him. We dealt with some MAJOR bullying with Gena in the 7th grade. It was so bad we choiced her to a new school, and almost pulled her out of school to homeschool her. She would come home and CRY about things people said. One day she had a panic attack when she walked in the door.
Natalie says
May 23, 2014 at 6:18 pmHugs to you and your boy! 🙁
katbiggie says
May 26, 2014 at 7:21 amThank you Natalie.
another jennifer says
May 24, 2014 at 8:56 pmI read this post right after you published it, but had trouble commenting on my phone. Just realized I never came back to it! It’s so painful to see our own kids sad like this. I do think it’s a good thing that you recognize there might be a problem. I’m guessing a school counselor or his teacher might be able to shed some light on how he’s been feeling lately. I also think it’s great he’s expressing himself by talking and writing. Many kids bottle that up. Though it’s sad to hear, it’s good that you know how he’s feeling! I hope he’s his week got better.
katbiggie says
May 26, 2014 at 7:21 amThank you!
Lady Jennie says
May 26, 2014 at 6:37 amI am vigilant about signs of depression and anxiety in my children because I know how high their risk is. My son (8), in particular, is very sensitive, and I often try to draw him out and get him to express what’s going on so it doesn’t eat away at him.
It’s hard, but I think the best we can do for them is to watch for it and treat it because they are sure the heck not going to know what’s going on.
katbiggie says
May 26, 2014 at 7:21 amThank you Jennie. I am definitely going to talk to him more and make sure he’s not having those thoughts.
Steph says
May 27, 2014 at 9:37 pmOh my gosh, this really hit home with me. I started taking my son (now almost 12) to pediatric psych when he was 3. We’ve had a few different diagnoses, but for now it’s depression and anxiety. He tried to hurt himself at 10 years old and I have never felt so horrible in my life, and I have depression and anxiety myself. I have also never typed those words or said them out loud. But then I’ve never read another mom who feels so guilty that she passed, whether through genes or behavior, this illness to her child. *hugs* I’m so sorry, and thank you SO MUCH for posting this. It helps to know I’m not the only one.
katbiggie says
May 28, 2014 at 12:00 amSo glad that you shared that with me. I’m also glad to know that I am not the only one. I hope your son is doing better now? It’s really a tough situation to deal with, isn’t it?
Foxy Wine Pocket says
May 28, 2014 at 5:41 pmOh, that breaks my heart. I hope he was just having a bad day. Depression runs in my family as well so I’m always on the look out with both of my kids. Your list is very helpful. Hugs to you and yours.