Those Quiet Moments

Emotions. They can be weak, strong, good, bad. We go through highs and lows, gladness and madness. And sometimes, in a really bizarre scenario, all of them at the same time.

I feel that way often. Happy, mad, glad, sad, all melded together. I feel that way when I glance up and see the picture of my beautiful Kathryn and I realize I haven’t visited her recently. Sad that she’s not with me, mad that I’ve not loved her enough, glad that my other children keep me busy enough that I don’t wallow in the loss, and happy that, despite her not being here, we have three healthy children.

It’s September. In 9 days, I will mark the four year anniversary of receiving our TTTS diagnosis. And for the next three months, whether I want to or not, I will suffer, mostly silently, as the significant dates between the diagnosis to their birth on December 10th, death on December 12th, and her first funeral on December 21st. And as it happens every year, there will be dates of great happiness mixed right alongside. Thanksgiving, December 10th – Tiny’s birthday, December 22nd, Jelly Bean’s birthday, the Christmas season, other family birthdays. Happy, sad, glad, mad.

I’m keeping myself so busy I rarely have the time to acknowledge those deep wounds that still fester, but sometimes it still sneaks through.  I thought by four years out, I would have lost the strongest of urges to have had that twin experience. But it’s still there. I was working a vendor event this year, and we were talking about our pregnancies, and I talked about the twins as if they were both still here. I left out the fact that while they were born together, only one came home. Thankfully, no one asked me any specific questions, and I was happy to let them assume that I had four children at home. And I didn’t feel bad about leaving that assumption out there. Because in my heart, there will always be four.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. It’s not for attention, it’s not for sympathy. It’s just one of those posts that I’m writing for ME. I’m processing many feelings that I know so many other people struggle with as well, and if you’re reading this and sad because of the loss of someone important in your life, just know that you aren’t alone. Even when it feels like the rest of the world has moved on.