On September 28, 2011 it will be two years since we received our fateful diagnosis of TTTS. It’s time to bury my daughter.
If you’ve been following my blog, you know that Kathryn and her identical twin sister were born on December 10, 2011. Kathryn suffered from very severe consequences of Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) which included hydrops fetalis, congenital heart disease, and lung disease. After two days, she passed away.
Therefore, for twenty one months I have had her ashes in a little box on my dresser, unwilling and unable to part with them. I couldn’t let go.
To be honest, I would not have known where to put her immediately following her death. At the time, we had no established church home, we were considering moving out of the state, and I did not want to put her someplace permanent with so many unknowns.
But it’s time for us to put her to rest.
So much has changed in our lives. We have a church home – a family – that has taken us in with open arms. We have new relationships and friendships that have grown. We are no longer thinking about leaving because this has become our home. And I have found a beautiful memorial garden where Kathryn will look at a beautiful fountain and blue hydrangeas.
Tiny and I picked the perfect spot in the Memorial Garden
The garden reminds me of the movie “the Secret Garden” – once it is all fixed up, of course. It is peaceful and serene and best of all, it is at my church where my children also go to preschool. I will be able to visit her daily. And I know she will also be visited by other members of the congregation.
Tiny and I had a very special moment two weeks ago picking out just the right spot for Kathryn. When she knelt down here, I felt like she was saying, “This is the spot Mommy.”
So, almost two years later, I get a chance to again memorialize and celebrate my sweet daughter.
And this time it will not be under the duress of another tiny little baby fighting for her life in the NICU.
This time I will not be in shock and in physical pain from a nightmare of a recovery.
This time we will not be in the height of our despair and trying to figure out how to breathe, let alone plan a funeral for our infant.
This time we will celebrate her short life.
And I will celebrate the life that she gave me through her twin sister and the new life that has arisen in me.
I love you Kathryn.
I will commit you to the earth, but you will never be out of my heart.
My sweet Angel Kathryn
katbiggie
Latest posts by katbiggie (see all)
- What to say when a baby dies ; words of comfort - October 31, 2019
- Try listening to her, not fixing her – October 15th - October 15, 2019
- Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Book Bundle - October 3, 2019
katbiggie on Google+
Janine Huldie says
September 9, 2013 at 8:17 amOk, I am not going to lie was crying reading this, but does sound like you have a bit of peace now and am glad you both found the right place to lay her to rest. Seriously just sounded so bittersweet and yet thank you so much for sharing this with us. Thinking of you and sending you virtual hugs!
Janine Huldie recently posted…Top 4 Tips to Prepare for Heating Season
katbiggie says
September 9, 2013 at 8:19 amThank you Janine. It is true that time heals all wounds, even the deepest. And writing and expressing my feelings certainly helps!
another jennifer says
September 9, 2013 at 8:26 amIt is a beautiful spot, Alexa. It sounds so peaceful. And how amazing that you will be able to visit her so easily. I love that Tiny helped pick the spot. So fitting. Sending hugs your way. I imagine this is a very bittersweet moment for you.
another jennifer recently posted…Philanthropy Friday: Better to Give Through UncommonGoods
katbiggie says
September 9, 2013 at 2:17 pmThank you Jennifer. Yes, bittersweet, but it also feels comforting… closure is an amazing thing. And it helps to know that I will now get to rest right next to her for eternity, since I went ahead and reserved the spots next to her for me and Jeff! 🙂 We had no idea where we would go before now either!
Marsha V says
September 9, 2013 at 8:45 amLots of love Alexa. I think of your sweet Kathryn often – and Tiny too, of course. Please know that I will be with you in spirit as you lay her to rest. I truly wish I could be there.
katbiggie says
September 9, 2013 at 2:15 pmHi Marsha. I was just thinking about you yesterday as a matter of fact! Hope you all are doing well. I wish you could be here too, but I’ll feel your presence!
DebbieLB says
September 9, 2013 at 9:21 amBeautiful spot! Thanks for sharing your pain and healing. Losing a child at any age is so painful, but she will always be with you. I wish you peace.
DebbieLB recently posted…My boys deserve a steak!
katbiggie says
September 9, 2013 at 2:15 pmI appreciate your kind words so very much!
The Dose of Reality says
September 9, 2013 at 12:10 pmThis post is simply gut-wrenching and beautiful all at the same time. I am in awe of your strength and bravery throughout the last 2 years. I think the garden is beautiful and looks like the perfect spot for Katherine. A place to go and just be in the quiet. A secret garden all her own. Hugs to you friend.-Ashley
The Dose of Reality recently posted…The Dose Girls’ First Blogiversary & Giveaway To Our Readers!
katbiggie says
September 9, 2013 at 2:15 pmThank you so very much. Whenever people say I am strong, I tell them that each one of us has the capacity to deal with what life hands us – regardless of what it is, and we don’t know that we could make it through until we have no choice but to make it through. If that made any sense at all??? Thank you for your sweet post.
Cait says
September 9, 2013 at 1:54 pmThank You for posting <3 My twin daughters were born December 6th 2011 at 24 weeks 5 days gestation. Our youngest twin Courtney passed away 11 days after they were born from complications of being so early. So we were going threw similar experiences at the same time. We got our daughter cremated as well and have her ashes sitting on our hutch in our dining room. We had the same problem that where we live now is not our permanent home so didn't want to bury her here. We still aren't were we know we are going to stay so she will stay there until we finally do make or way home. I hope it becomes clear to us when the right time comes like it seems to have made itself clear to you. <3
katbiggie says
September 9, 2013 at 2:13 pmAww Cait, we are truly sisters in loss. Hard to believe we went through the same situation at almost exactly the same time. Yes, I think you will know when the time is right. I hope you’ll let me know what you decide to do when you decide! Hugs.
Cait says
September 9, 2013 at 9:13 pmIt’s amazing to me to think that at a time I felt so utterly alone I know so many other family’s had to be experiencing losses at the same time. Brakes my heart and makes me feel connected to them all at the same time. <3
Tamara says
September 9, 2013 at 2:06 pmThis is so beautiful – I definitely cried myself by the end where you said you love her. It’s so meaningful that Tiny helped you find a place to bury Kathryn.
Tamara recently posted…Ask Away Friday with Brittnei from HomeMaking with Style.
katbiggie says
September 9, 2013 at 2:17 pmThank you Tamara. The closure feels so peaceful. We have been so very blessed, and I am so happy to have found the perfect place and to have a second opportunity to say goodbye.
Dana says
September 9, 2013 at 4:18 pmOh Alexa – I’m so glad that you found the perfect place for Kathryn to rest. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Dana recently posted…Things I wish I didn’t know
katbiggie says
September 9, 2013 at 9:00 pmAnd thank you for following my journey with me! It is the perfect place. I am actually anxious to move her there, as weird as that sounds.
Ilene says
September 9, 2013 at 4:29 pmI am aching for you as I read your words. But your mama heart knows that it’s time to take this next step. Our mama hears always know. I will be thinking about you on that day and all days – as your story reminds me never to take my story for granted. xo
Ilene recently posted…The Familiar
katbiggie says
September 9, 2013 at 8:59 pmIt’s amazing how much our mama hearts know, isn’t it? Thank you Ilene.
Chris Carter says
September 9, 2013 at 5:24 pmOh Alexa… I feel so much grief and at the same time hope in your words. You found the perfect spot for your precious Kathryn!! Oh, how glad that makes me to know you can visit her any day- and that sweet Tiny helped you pick it out. After such a tragedy, there is peace in finding such a place- I’m sure.
Chris Carter recently posted…Devotional Diary: Find The Light in Empowerment
katbiggie says
September 9, 2013 at 8:59 pmYes, you are right. I do feel so very much peace right now. I feel God working in my life, and that makes such a powerful difference.
Chris Carter says
September 9, 2013 at 11:28 pmI had to come back because I keep thinking about you and the post I wrote on Sunday- had you ALL over it!! I referred to you in my examples of strength in how you share your story on line- as you give purpose to your grief. I just wanted to let you know… 🙂 Love you, my friend. XO
Chris Carter recently posted…Devotional Diary: Find The Light in Empowerment
katbiggie says
September 10, 2013 at 6:59 amThank you so much Chris. I have been a BAD bloggy friend lately! I’ve been so consumed in my projects, I have not been visiting others like I’d like to. Thank you so much for writing about me, thinking about me, and taking the time to come tell me! You are an amazing friend!
AnnMarie says
September 10, 2013 at 1:28 amOh, Alexa…I am a big bundle of tears over here. What a beautiful spot that Tiny and you picked out. For what it’s worth, I think you are doing the right thing, the right way. I wanted to “get it over with” so I rushed it and I regret it. I wish I had taken the time to recover a bit first or at least wait until it was warmer outside so when we buried Rocco, the ground wasn’t frozen. I think this is a beautiful place for her to rest. So many hugs coming your way.
AnnMarie recently posted…Exciting News! I’m Ready to Tell the Rest!
katbiggie says
September 10, 2013 at 7:00 amThank you so much! I almost think this is the way it SHOULD be done. The first service, to say goodbye, the second service to have the chance to do it with a clear mind!
Pary Moppins says
September 10, 2013 at 8:18 amPraying for you and your family as you put your sweet baby to rest in peace, so may your souls find peace.
Emily says
September 10, 2013 at 10:57 amBeautiful…I agree that your daughter helped you find the perfect spot…sending you hugs and prayers and peace.
Emily recently posted…Oh Boy Mom Is Going On A Hiatus
Lady Jennie says
September 10, 2013 at 1:49 pmMy heart is hurting. I wanted to read this to honor your daughter. And if anything, I am so glad that her honoring ceremony will be when your heart is strong enough to endure it. Sending you love and hugs and strength.
(And .. I feel awkward about my latest post which will get attached to this comment, but it’s supposed to be an encouraging post – a super encouraging one, so I hope it is for you, even though the title sounds a little foreboding).
Lady Jennie recently posted…We Don’t Become Angels When We Die
katbiggie says
September 10, 2013 at 4:10 pmThank you Jennie. I appreciate you coming by and honoring Kathryn. I often refer to Kathryn as my “angel” but I don’t know if I believe in angels as the typical sense. I use it mostly to mean someone who has passed on, a spirit, a lost loved one. But always with me.
Christine at More Than Mommies says
September 11, 2013 at 10:11 amAlexa, I am so touched by your post and Thankful that you have found a place to lay your sweet baby to rest. I am sure it will bring such a sense of peace–wherever you choose to place her though, know that she will never be farther away from you than your heart. God bless you!
Christine at More Than Mommies recently posted…The 9/11 Museum: Will You Take Your Children?
JD @ Honest Mom says
September 17, 2013 at 9:51 pmFirst off, I am so sorry for your loss. Truly.
I am glad for you that you found a lovely place for your daughter and that you were able to do it with a clear mind and feel some peace about the decision. This is completely different, but I lost my dad suddenly a few years ago, and the way I connect with him is through gardening. So I am glad your little girl has a secret garden of her own – gardens bring me such peace, and I hope you will feel some of that peace, too.
JD @ Honest Mom recently posted…I’m still looking for the joy.
Michelle says
September 19, 2013 at 10:00 amThis is so beautiful Alexa. Of course I have tears rolling down my face. I cannot begin to imagine what you have been through. But I am glad you have found a little peace. Hugs to you my friend.
Michelle recently posted…Truth Can Be Stranger than Fiction
deana says
February 14, 2014 at 10:27 amWow! You are a very amazing woman- sharing your story so open and honestly. You and your daughter have an angel looking down on you for sure. #SITSblogging
deana recently posted…I haven’t talked about this… {part1}
katbiggie says
February 14, 2014 at 10:31 amThank you, I really appreciate those kind words!