On September 28, 2011 it will be two years since we received our fateful diagnosis of TTTS. It’s time to bury my daughter.
If you’ve been following my blog, you know that Kathryn and her identical twin sister were born on December 10, 2011. Kathryn suffered from very severe consequences of Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) which included hydrops fetalis, congenital heart disease, and lung disease. After two days, she passed away.
Therefore, for twenty one months I have had her ashes in a little box on my dresser, unwilling and unable to part with them. I couldn’t let go.
To be honest, I would not have known where to put her immediately following her death. At the time, we had no established church home, we were considering moving out of the state, and I did not want to put her someplace permanent with so many unknowns.
But it’s time for us to put her to rest.
So much has changed in our lives. We have a church home – a family – that has taken us in with open arms. We have new relationships and friendships that have grown. We are no longer thinking about leaving because this has become our home. And I have found a beautiful memorial garden where Kathryn will look at a beautiful fountain and blue hydrangeas.
The garden reminds me of the movie “the Secret Garden” – once it is all fixed up, of course. It is peaceful and serene and best of all, it is at my church where my children also go to preschool. I will be able to visit her daily. And I know she will also be visited by other members of the congregation.
Tiny and I had a very special moment two weeks ago picking out just the right spot for Kathryn. When she knelt down here, I felt like she was saying, “This is the spot Mommy.”
So, almost two years later, I get a chance to again memorialize and celebrate my sweet daughter.
And this time it will not be under the duress of another tiny little baby fighting for her life in the NICU.
This time I will not be in shock and in physical pain from a nightmare of a recovery.
This time we will not be in the height of our despair and trying to figure out how to breathe, let alone plan a funeral for our infant.
This time we will celebrate her short life.
And I will celebrate the life that she gave me through her twin sister and the new life that has arisen in me.
I love you Kathryn.
I will commit you to the earth, but you will never be out of my heart.
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