Pregnancy Or Infant Loss – words for grieving mothers
It’s not International Bereaved Mother’s Day today, but some days it feels like every day should be. Once bitten by pregnancy or infant loss, always plagued.
I had intended on spending today going over my notes from Bloggy Bootcamp and writing a stellar post about all the amazing things I learned and how much better of a blogger I am going to be because of all of these new tips.
I sat down to start writing up my notes from the conference. I turned on Facebook and was knocked to the ground by a very short message from a dear friend of mine, who is also a loss mother. She wrote to tell me that a friend of mine from church and our preschool, delivered her full term baby girl stillborn yesterday.
Whoosh.
Just like that, blog design and writing techniques and so on and so forth… just seem stupid and petty to me. My friend is hurting. Another baby is gone, too soon.
The baby’s name is Catherine. Just like my Kathryn. Two sweet babies in heaven instead of in their mother’s arms. Two loving mothers grieving for the emptiness that should hold beautiful baby girls.
I’ve written before about what to say (or not say) when someone experiences a pregnancy or infant loss. And yet, as I contemplate how to reach out to my friend, I find myself also at a loss of words. Because this is hard. This is something that rocks you to the core. Some women never get back up after being knocked down from this type of tragedy.
I did. I got up. And I want to help my friend, who also has two other small children, to get back up again too.
But I can tell you one thing I have learned. When you have suffered through pregnancy or infant loss, you may get back up, but you are never the same. You are never over it, you are never far from thoughts of what could have been.
As the years pass, it may become less painful, but as you see a child the age your child should have been, or in my case, as you see your twinless twin growing up without her twin, it is always there.
So be kind. Be sensitive. Do something nice. Today, tomorrow, or in five years. One of the best acts of kindness is just listening.
So I will be there for my friend. I have advice and recommendations and groups and trinkets to offer. But I know my greatest gift will be to listen.
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Janine Huldie says
May 19, 2013 at 11:09 amOh, Alexa I just so sorry to read this and my heart breaks for your friend. No words can quite express how awful I felt and have not even met this person. No one deserves to lose a baby at any stage in their pregnancy. I am truly thinking of your friend and keeping her and her family in my thoughts and prayers.
katbiggie says
May 19, 2013 at 11:14 amThank you so much Janine. Thankfully she is surrounded by an army of good, loving people. But it still sucks. Forever.
Dana says
May 19, 2013 at 12:25 pmI’m so sorry for your friend, and for the loss I know both of you will always feel. Hugs to you and your friend.
katbiggie says
May 19, 2013 at 7:31 pmThank you Dana.
another jennifer says
May 19, 2013 at 4:42 pmI’m so sorry to hear about your friend, Alexa. I can’t imagine comforting someone when they lose a child is ever easy. Saying an extra prayer for you and your friend.
katbiggie says
May 19, 2013 at 7:32 pmI appreciate that very much. We missed you this weekend!
another jennifer says
May 19, 2013 at 8:22 pmSomeday, we’ll meet in real life!
Heather O. says
May 19, 2013 at 10:40 pmI am so sorry to hear about your friend’s loss, Alexa. Nothing eases that pain, as you and I well know, but you are a good friend to be there for her, and your support will be invaluable to her. Much love to you both. xoxo
Shell says
May 20, 2013 at 9:16 amYou are so strong.
I’ll never understand why things like this have to happen. I need to check out your advice on what to say in situations like this. I’m usually at a loss for words.
katbiggie says
May 20, 2013 at 11:14 amThank you so very much! I appreciate the visit and the comment. Even those of us who “know” what to say still seem to find ourselves at a loss in these moments. One of those things about life I’ll never understand!
Pary Moppins says
May 20, 2013 at 11:40 amSuch a beautiful reminder that the best gifts we can give any hurting friend are an ear and a shoulder.
Chris Carter says
May 20, 2013 at 1:39 pmOh no no no…. I sit here in such mourning and sadness- for both your friend and for you, Alexa. I am so deeply sorry and I simply cannot imagine the depths of pain that brings. Praying for you both. Praying….
katbiggie says
May 20, 2013 at 2:16 pmThank you Chris!
Lisa says
May 30, 2013 at 3:11 pmI lost a baby early on in pregnancy. The day I lost him or her is a sad day for me, even 5 years later. I have two amazing children but I always think about the angel I lost.
My heart breaks for you and your friend. I hope you can both get through it.
Michelle says
June 23, 2013 at 10:36 pmI’m very sorry about your friend…there’s just no words. I think the best any of us can do is listen. My heart goes out to both of you.
katbiggie says
June 23, 2013 at 11:07 pmListening is an amazing thing to do. So often when people really need to be heard, everyone is too busy to listen. Thank you!
Tracie says
June 24, 2013 at 7:16 amI never have words when something like this happens. There really aren’t any. But it is good to know that just being there – listening, loving, offering support – is comforting and does make a difference. I’m saying a prayer for you and your friend today.
katbiggie says
June 24, 2013 at 7:55 amThank you so much Tracie! And congrats on your new co-host gig! 🙂
Southern Angel says
June 24, 2013 at 9:01 amI have never lost a child and I cannot imagine the pain of it. I had a friend who lost a set of twins due to extreme prematurity. They lived 3 days. For them the best thing I did was write them a letter from the perspective of their children to let them know the love they showed in making the choice to allow them dignity to die was the greatest gift they could have given. My heart goes out to every parent who suffers the loss of their child, however it occurs..
katbiggie says
June 24, 2013 at 9:14 amThank you for those words. I am certain that the fact you acknowledged them, her loss, her pain, and the importance of those babies made so much of a difference to her!
Adrienne says
June 24, 2013 at 9:58 amAlexa, I’m just so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how it must come rushing back when you hear about others who are suffering.
katbiggie says
June 24, 2013 at 10:34 amThank you Adrienne. I am however, glad that I can be there for her since I know and understand what she is going through!
Stacey says
June 24, 2013 at 1:18 pmI am so sorry for your loss and your friend’s loss. My daughter’s pregnancy began as a twin pregnancy, but I lost one early on. I can’t even begin to imagine losing a full term baby.
katbiggie says
June 24, 2013 at 1:23 pmOh Stacey I am sorry that you lost one of your twins as well! Thank you for your sweet words! xoxo
Dana says
June 24, 2013 at 11:43 pm“One of the best acts of kindness is just listening.
So very true in so many situations.
Tracy@CrazyAsNormal says
June 25, 2013 at 7:30 pmThank you for sharing and for being a great friend. It’s times like those, when you don’t have the strength to stand on your own anymore, that you are so very grateful for the friends around you that can help hold you up.
katbiggie says
June 25, 2013 at 9:10 pmThank you for that very sweet comment. I couldn’t have survived without my friends, so I try to do the same for others as well! You are right. We have to hold each other up.