If you’re here, you’re probably struggling for the right words to say when a baby dies…
My first exposure to “baby loss” occurred in April 2005.
Friends of mine, Anja and Corey, were expecting their first baby. She was a week overdue, and noticed she felt no movement. They went into the hospital on a Friday night, but when they arrived it was already too late. At some point that evening the cord wrapped around the baby’s neck. Anja delivered the sleeping baby early Saturday morning.
I was shocked and grief stricken. I did not have any children, but we shared Anja and Corey’s excitement for almost five months. This loss hurt all of us.
There was a funeral. The service was in German and I didn’t understand the spoken words, but I understood the message. The grief. The pain we all felt for this tiny being, who was taken for reasons none of us could understand or come to terms with, was more immense than I could imagine.
To this day the memory of that tiny white casket is burned into my brain. I refused to have a casket for our Kathryn‘s memorial service because I am still haunted by the memory of that casket.
After the service I will never forget how Anja stood there and hugged one person after another, how she comforted all of us as we grieved for her baby, how terrible I felt that I could not stop sobbing and the only words that I could manage to mutter out of my lips were “I’m just so sorry!”
What could I say? What would make it better? Anything?
No. No one had ever told me the words to say when a baby dies. It’s not something we talk about.
I certainly didn’t know that one day, I would find myself in the same position. Or that one day, 30+ other mothers and I would write a book to try and help the Anja’s of the world.
Words to Say When A Baby Dies
Spoiler alert: There are no “magic words.”
Fast forward to December 2011 as we said goodbye to our sweet baby Kathryn. It was me standing there instead of Anja, watching my loved ones struggle to keep their composure and to try to find the right words, any words.
And I felt for them. Unfortunately, I now have the experience to know there are some words that are better than others.
It is okay to say you are sorry for their loss.
It is so important to let the parents know that you feel their loss and that you are there for them.
It is definitely okay to let them know you want to listen if they want to talk.
Here are some things I think you should avoid saying in this situation:
(**if anyone said any of these things to me and you are actually reading this, please know that I understand how hard it is to find the right words, and I know that you were only trying to help ease my pain.**)
1. “It’s all part of God’s plan.” Many people may believe this to be true, but not what I wanted to hear after losing my baby. And the idea that God would target people to lose babies or to go through the kind of Hell our family went through is just absurd to me.
2. “You can have another one.” Thankfully, no one said this to me, but I’ve heard several women say they heard this. Very VERY inappropriate!
3. “Everything happens for a reason.” Not what I wanted to hear. I did not… COULD NOT … understand why it happened and certainly was not in a place to think through the possible reasons behind it or what good may one day come from it.
4. “God only gives us what we can handle.” Nope. I’m not buying it. I’m sure I went well past my threshold, but family and friends and my other three children saved me. While I believe that God provided me with that support network, immediately after losing my baby I did not find this statement reassuring.
5. “The baby is in a better place.” Most mothers think the best place for their newborn is in their loving arms. Although the sentiment behind this statement is understood, these words hurt. We want our babies here, not somewhere else.
Your Presence Is Often More Important than Your Words
I never expected anyone to have a magic word or statement that would fix everything or take the pain away. I knew there were no words.
The greatest comfort to me was that I knew that I’m loved and supported and my family and friends were and are here for me.
There have been many times when I have felt awkwardness and silence in group settings as people try to avoid the subject. I understand, having been on the other side, that no one wants to upset me by saying or asking the wrong thing.
But now I want to talk about and remember Kathryn. I want people to know about her and what happened to her. I want to know that other people loved her too, and it is okay to talk about her.
Not everyone wants to share that much, and it took me some time to get there. But don’t be afraid to ask a bereaved mother if she wants to talk about her loss. Worst case, she says no. Best case, you allow her to open her soul and honor her child.
Pregnancy and baby loss is something that is still so prevalent in our society.
In the U.S. alone there is an estimated 900,000 to 1 million babies lost in miscarriage each year.
Even with these high numbers, many women feel so very isolated and alone, largely because the topic is not widely discussed. No one seems to be able to find the right words when someone they love experiences this trauma. No one talks about the words to say when a baby dies and many of us are left in an awkward position as people say sometimes terrible things.
It’s also sometimes difficult to help because each person grieves differently, responds differently, and has different needs.
But I still encourage you to try.
How to Help A Friend…
If you know, or someone you know has lost a baby or a child, I encourage you to look into Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother. Written for grieving mothers, by grieving mothers (and some fathers) – this book is a look straight into the soul of over 3o parents who have suffered through this pain and come through it, forever changed.
You can see the book on Amazon here or
Visit the website Sunshine After the Storm, Inc to find out more.
katbiggie
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Heather O. says
May 2, 2013 at 12:16 pmYes to everything you said here, Alexa! I’ve heard so many well-meaning words since Clara died, and I try to remember that they mean to comfort me, to make me feel better, even when they fail miserably. People who haven’t been through the loss of a child do not understand — and I’m glad they don’t understand — because while I’ve met some amazing people through loss groups, I don’t want ANY new members to have to be added.
I think the best thing anyone has ever said to me about Clara’s death was, “I’ll listen when you’re ready to talk.”
Heather O. recently posted…Still Standing {International Bereaved Mother’s Day}
katbiggie says
May 2, 2013 at 12:48 pmThat is an amazing thing to say to someone! Wish I had that in the list! I may have to go back and add that – and it will definitely be something I’ll use!!!
anna see says
May 2, 2013 at 7:56 pmSuch good advice. Thank you! I would add— do not say, as a friend said to me when my 12 yr old died, “you need to get a puppy!”
katbiggie says
May 2, 2013 at 8:49 pmOh my good grief! Did you punch them in the nose???
Darlene Thomas says
June 8, 2017 at 7:37 amanother thing not to say, “at least you already have one”, just because you didn’t get to bring your baby home, people don’t seem to think you lost a child, regardless if she is hours old or 5 years old, you still lost a child.
Sylvia says
December 3, 2013 at 11:53 pmMy god! That is awful, Anna See!
AnnMarie says
May 2, 2013 at 9:15 pmGreat advice! I heard all of these and the other one that crushed me was, “You have 3 children here. You can’t be sad for them. Be glad you have them, some are still trying to have one.” The pain of this sentence…like my grief for Rocco didn’t count because I already had 3 kids.
AnnMarie recently posted…Still {International Bereaved Mother’s Day}
katbiggie says
May 2, 2013 at 9:28 pmI struggle with this guilt all the time actually. It’s a stupid thing to say to someone, but I feel myself feeling mad at myself for being sad when other women have loss after loss… and I have three. But then I remind myself that our pain is OUR pain and we can’t be expected NOT to grieve just because someone else has it worse. Someone ALWAYS has it worse.
Nathalie Himmelrich says
October 16, 2013 at 12:30 amOh yes, these clichés which are said in a sad attempt to bridge the awkward moment where no words are ever going to make it better. Let’s help people understand what they can say/do instead. All Love, Nathalie
Nathalie Himmelrich recently posted…15 October – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
katbiggie says
October 18, 2013 at 12:49 pmExactly. Thanks so much Nathalie!
Cathy O. says
March 24, 2014 at 7:10 pmI noticed a link to this post in another one and came back to it today after a friend of mine lost her 2 year old son to an aggressive form of cancer. There ARE NO words I can offer her. I hope she feels the love and comfort from family and friends.
katbiggie says
March 25, 2014 at 5:43 amOh Cathy – that is so terribly gut wrenchingly sad! We actually started a campaign today to raise money to donate our book “Sunshine after the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother” to grieving parents. If you’d like to request a copy of the book for her, please visit http://sunshineafterstorm.us or you can get a copy yourself for her on Amazon. All proceeds go back into donating the book to bereavement groups and hospitals. xoxoxo
Marcia says
October 28, 2014 at 1:13 pmI lost my baby Lisa when she was 2 weeks old. It was so hard hearing all the well meaning things people said. The worst one was my ex-mother-in-law chastising us for not having our two week old baby baptized.. She insinuated that she might not have gone to heaven because we procrastinated on getting her baptized. That comment felt like she poured salt on to my open and bleeding heart. That was 38 years ago and those words still hurt sometimes.
So, people please remember the grieving parents hearts are broken and their souls are wounded and raw beyond belief and the best words of comfort you can offer are:
I’m so sorry for your loss!
I am here for you and will listen whenever you need me. Its okay if you just want me to hug you while you cry. I will understand if you want to sit in silence.
One of my friends said that to me and it was the biggest relief I heard. She even offered to help me put Lisa’s things away after a month because I couldn’t bear the finality of it all. She cried right with me while we packed up all her things. That was the most loving thing anyone did for me.
Try to remember if you are the parent who lost a child, the people making the remarks that hurt mean to help not to hurt you. They blurt out things that they think will be very helpful because they feel so helpless to do anything else. The harm their words cause is not intentional.
katbiggie says
October 28, 2014 at 3:50 pmI am so very sorry for your loss of baby Lisa. Thank you for sharing those experiences and your advice – which is very good! 38 years ago… but it still stays fresh sometimes. 🙁