No Holding Back

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The Other Side

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My Joy Has a Twin Named Grief

angel twin

Happy Blogiversary to No Holding Back

But it’s not necessarily happy for me, rather, shrouded in grief. One year ago today I published my first “real” blog post on No Holding Back, entitled 6 Months Ago Today. This post details the day that we lost one of our two day old twins. Kathryn; “pure” daughter of mine. I was graced with her presence for 52 hours.

So at most blogs, there are celebrations and giveaways when we hit our one year mark, but today is a day of sadness, grief, remembrance, loss. It’s now been 18 months since I lost my little baby. I celebrated her twin sister’s 18 month “birthday” just two days ago, and it eats me alive that I did not mention Kathryn’s name one time in the whole post.

I chose not to. I do not want to take away from the joy and happiness that we have in celebrating Tiny’s life, even if every celebration of her life is a reminder to me of the little life that we do not have with us. But I will try my best not to let my sweet survivor know that agony, the grief.

I also chose not to include Kathryn’s name on the picture frame we made for their dad for Father’s Day.  I do regret that choice. She is our daughter, and more than anything in the world, I despise not being able to recognize her each day in the simplest of ways. I hate not being able to tell people I have four children. I loathe even having to consider whether or not to put her name on things, I feel cheated when I see others make a fuss over someone else’s twins.

These are all ugly feelings. I don’t like that I have them. But I do. Grief rears it’s ugly head again.

18 months into this journey, and I know the other side of joy. It is sad and dark and ugly and depressing. And it doesn’t matter how many smiles I paste on my face, how many times I laugh, how much love, joy, and happiness is in my life, how many people love and support me; the grief remains there. Here. Everywhere.

I am thankful that I am not alone. This Thursday I will gather with my loss support group, Naomi’s Circle, and sadly we will welcome a new member into our midst. But on Saturday, we will all gather together again for an evening of conversation, fellowship, remembrance, and honoring our angels. We will light lanterns and send them to the heavens.

We will hold each other and comfort each other in a way that only someone who has walked this walk can understand.

So while today sucks, while I wish I could hold my Kathryn and show you beautiful pictures of my four children, the lovely picture above is all that I have. But it’s something.

And it helps.

Here’s to another year of healing.

If you haven’t had a chance to read my post Return to Zero and make the pledge to break the silence on pregnancy and infant loss, please do!

You may also like Always With You.

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Comments

    • This must have been a heavy post for someone new walking into the blog! 🙂 Thanks for reading it and commenting, and I hope I didn’t scare you away. I’m not always so dark. Thank you so much for your sweet words and hugs and prayers.

      Reply

  2. I’m sorry for your loss of Kathryn. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you not only on the anniversaries but everyday. A friend of mine lost both sons due to TTTS, I’m going to share your blog with her. I hope you find some comfort today, I hope you know your posts bring comfort to others.
    Stephanie recently posted…Are We There Yet? Getting to Bloggy Boot CampMy Profile

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    • There are days that I feel guilty about being sad knowing that there are many who lost both twins. It is just a heartbreaking situation all around. Thank you so much for sharing my blog with her. I hope she visits and finds comfort, if nothing else in knowing that she is not alone.

      Reply

      • Hi. I’m the friend Stephanie mentioned. I lost both of my boys after 9 months of pregnancy and 2 fetal laser surgeries. After reading your blog, with tears in my eyes of course, I felt compelled to write. My boys were born in February of 2004. Thomas died at only 7 days old and Liam passed away four days later. Sometimes, I do tell people I have four children; two on heaven and two on earth. Although many times I choose not to, as I don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable. But the fact remains, they will always be a part of me and I will always be their mother. Not a single day has passed in the last 9 years when I haven’t thought about them. Thank you for sharing your blog. I wish you much joy and peace. Love, Charlotte

        Reply

        • Oh Charlotte. That hurt to read. I am so sorry for your loss. The journey you must have traveled – to go through the whole thing, deliver them both alive. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Yes, you do have four children and I wish you peace as well. I am sending you the biggest virtual hug I can muster. xoxoxoxoxoxo

          Reply

        • Hi Charlotte,
          We just lost one of our identical twin boys due to a cord accident at 36 weeks. I know now that we are not alone.

          Reply

    • Yes, my photographer did a lovely job! She also has twins who had TTTS, so she is constantly doing things and making beautiful graphics for us. They are amazing for the healing process! Thank you so much for your sweet words.

      Reply

  5. Grief is unbearable. I love that photo, and I think you’re striking a good balance of including Kathryn and also giving her sister the honor she deserves as a separate entity.

    I don’t know exactly what to say, but I’m sending hugs.
    Lady Jennie recently posted…Memories Captured (by a dog)My Profile

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  6. I’m so sorry for your loss and the grief you carry with you, Alexa. I can imagine the struggle to balance remembering Kathryn and celebrating your other children, and I think you communicated that beautifully in your post today. And the photo is a beautiful representation of the love in your heart for your four babies.
    Dana recently posted…How to save money while still in your pajamasMy Profile

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    • Thank you sweet Chris. I don’t understand why things happen, but I do believe there was a reason. In her two days on earth, Kathryn profoundly changed me.

      Reply

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