My Joy Has a Twin Named Grief
Happy Blogiversary to No Holding Back
But it’s not necessarily happy for me, rather, shrouded in grief. One year ago today I published my first “real” blog post on No Holding Back, entitled 6 Months Ago Today. This post details the day that we lost one of our two day old twins. Kathryn; “pure” daughter of mine. I was graced with her presence for 52 hours.
So at most blogs, there are celebrations and giveaways when we hit our one year mark, but today is a day of sadness, grief, remembrance, loss. It’s now been 18 months since I lost my little baby. I celebrated her twin sister’s 18 month “birthday” just two days ago, and it eats me alive that I did not mention Kathryn’s name one time in the whole post.
I chose not to. I do not want to take away from the joy and happiness that we have in celebrating Tiny’s life, even if every celebration of her life is a reminder to me of the little life that we do not have with us. But I will try my best not to let my sweet survivor know that agony, the grief.
I also chose not to include Kathryn’s name on the picture frame we made for their dad for Father’s Day. I do regret that choice. She is our daughter, and more than anything in the world, I despise not being able to recognize her each day in the simplest of ways. I hate not being able to tell people I have four children. I loathe even having to consider whether or not to put her name on things, I feel cheated when I see others make a fuss over someone else’s twins.
These are all ugly feelings. I don’t like that I have them. But I do. Grief rears it’s ugly head again.
18 months into this journey, and I know the other side of joy. It is sad and dark and ugly and depressing. And it doesn’t matter how many smiles I paste on my face, how many times I laugh, how much love, joy, and happiness is in my life, how many people love and support me; the grief remains there. Here. Everywhere.
I am thankful that I am not alone. This Thursday I will gather with my loss support group, Naomi’s Circle, and sadly we will welcome a new member into our midst. But on Saturday, we will all gather together again for an evening of conversation, fellowship, remembrance, and honoring our angels. We will light lanterns and send them to the heavens.
We will hold each other and comfort each other in a way that only someone who has walked this walk can understand.
So while today sucks, while I wish I could hold my Kathryn and show you beautiful pictures of my four children, the lovely picture above is all that I have. But it’s something.
And it helps.
Here’s to another year of healing.
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