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Breaking the Silence

June 14, 2013 By katbiggie 19 Comments

Surviving Infant Loss

Infant loss

I attended my monthly grief support group last night.

It was an emotional evening. More so than usual. We had several new people at the meeting and we all shared our stories.

These women encourage and inspire me. Some of them have been through so much, with as many as 5 losses. Some had early pregnancy losses, some were as late as 38 weeks.

It doesn’t matter the time frame or the cause, it’s painful and we grieve the loss of the child we will never watch grow up.

For EVER.

Before losing our daughter Kathryn and having much exposure to the loss community, I had a hard time understanding how someone could be so upset over losing a baby as early as 6 weeks.

But I understand it now.

You love your baby from the moment you find out you’re pregnant.

And you grieve that loss forever.

The dates are still a strong reminder of what could have or should have been. The due date, first birthday, 2nd birthday, 30th birthday.

Sometimes I think it may be even harder on the women who lose their babies early, because so many people make them feel as if it didn’t matter or didn’t count because it was so early. I’ve heard women say they’ve been told “you’re lucky it didn’t happen later,” or “at least you didn’t go through what so and so went through” or “you were only 8 weeks, it’s time to get on and get over it.”

That’s not fair. They have still suffered a traumatic loss. A life changing event.

We need to be heard. We need our friends and family to understand that we want to honor and remember these babies, no matter at what point they left us. We need your help to Break the Silence by allowing us to share.

One piece of advice. If you know someone who has had a loss, do not ignore it. That is the worst thing you can do. Even if all you can say is “I’m sorry” that is better than nothing.

A new movie is coming out soon about the impact a still birth has on a couple and their lives. It is called Return to Zero. Will you please pledge to see it and help us create a more understanding culture for the larger impact of loss? You can see more about it at my Return to Zero post.

You may also like the posts “The Magic Words When Someone Loses a Baby” and “How to Help a Friend Survive the First Year After Pregnancy and Infant Loss.”

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katbiggie

Freelance writer at Kat Biggie Press
Alexa B, who blogs as "Kat Biggie" is a wife, mother, and writer. She has three children and one in heaven. She recently self published a book entitled "Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother" which is available on Amazon. She blogs about life after the loss of one of her twin daughters to TTTS, motherhood, all things parenting, advocacy, grief support and social good.

Latest posts by katbiggie (see all)

  • What to say when a baby dies ; words of comfort - October 31, 2019
  • Try listening to her, not fixing her – October 15th - October 15, 2019
  • Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Book Bundle - October 3, 2019

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Filed Under: infant loss Tagged With: Grief, Pregnancy, Stillbirth

Comments

  1. Janine Huldie says

    June 14, 2013 at 9:37 am

    You said this beautifully and perfectly. I can’t help, but feel that you are so right whether it is a very early loss or one at 39 weeks of pregnancy. A loss is a loss and we have to grieve that loss in our own way. I am so with you on being able to speak and share what I feel though and when I had a chemical pregnancy before Emma, I had to do just that, because otherwise it would have eaten me alive. Thank you seriously for being so honest and real Alexa. I can’t say enough how much I love you and how if you do need anything, please just say the word. I am very much here for you my friend!! 🙂
    Janine Huldie recently posted…Finish the Sentence Friday Blog Hop #24My Profile

    Reply
    • katbiggie says

      June 14, 2013 at 9:46 am

      Love you girl. Please feel free to always share. A chemical pregnancy is also a loss, and you should never feel minimized about it if you feel sad or need to talk about it! I’m here for YOU TOO!!

      Reply
  2. The Dose of Reality says

    June 14, 2013 at 10:22 am

    There is no doubt in my mind that having you as a voice for this community genuinely makes a difference in people’s lives. You write so honestly and beautifully about what loss actually feels like. Hugs to you today and always.-Ashley
    The Dose of Reality recently posted…Pinterest Nightmare #117: The Babykeeper BasicMy Profile

    Reply
    • katbiggie says

      June 20, 2013 at 9:38 pm

      Thank you! I consider myself hugged!

      Reply
  3. Hannah Curtis says

    June 14, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    I really appreciate the work you are doing. I agree that no one’s loss should ever be minimized. You breaking the silence is brave and important.

    Reply
  4. Cobwebs, Cupcakes And Crayons says

    June 14, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    You are so right. The moment you get a positive sign on that little stick, you feel pregnant. And you immediately love and feel connected to your little one…even if they are the size of a poppy seed.
    Cobwebs, Cupcakes And Crayons recently posted…Photo Love: Little GymnastMy Profile

    Reply
  5. another jennifer says

    June 14, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    A loss is a loss, and I can’t imagine valuing one life over another just because they were on Earth longer (or even at all). I’m so glad you have such a supportive group to belong to, Alexa. You are an amazing voice for grieving parents.
    another jennifer recently posted…Philanthropy Friday: A Pearl of Fair TradeMy Profile

    Reply
  6. Mothering From Scratch says

    June 14, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    {Kathy} You are tremendously brave for expressing the deep feelings parents have after losing a child. Thank you for being a beacon of light for others.
    Mothering From Scratch recently posted…The Non-Negotiables of Mommy Self-CareMy Profile

    Reply
  7. Marie Oliveira says

    June 16, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    I found out at an 8 week ultrasound that my baby had probably passed at about 6 weeks. I miscarried about two days later. I was surprised at how difficult it was. I think one of the hardest things about losing a baby so early is what ends up happening to the baby’s body. I mean, people don’t have funerals and burials for an inch long fetus. I can’t even talk about what ended up happening to my baby’s body. That is painful and brings me to tears every time.
    Marie Oliveira recently posted…Back to running and Eliza’s favorite foodMy Profile

    Reply
    • katbiggie says

      June 20, 2013 at 9:41 pm

      Oh Marie! I am so sorry. The women in my group who had early losses talk about the difficulties of that aspect. It is unbearably painful to imagine. I am so sorry honey. Hugs!!! xoxo

      Reply
  8. Chris Carter says

    June 16, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    Anyone who has the foolishness to assume and then express that assumption when another is suffering from ANYTHING- is incredibly selfish and they are limited in their own emotional capacity to empathize with another human being. As with any loss or tragedy… some people also are completely lost with what to say, and therefore say stupid and impulsive things that inadvertently offend out of naivety. It is really so simple. Just be there in it with them.

    Where there is pain… the greatest gift we can give another is honoring their pain.
    Chris Carter recently posted…Devotional Diaries: To All The Fathers Who…My Profile

    Reply
  9. Natalie says

    June 16, 2013 at 10:37 pm

    You did say this perfectly…I feel that no one should judge someone else’s loss…everyone’s feelings are valid and shouldn’t be pushed down because they carried for less time. We really just need to show compassion for one another.
    Natalie recently posted…This Little Guy…My Profile

    Reply
  10. Lady Jennie says

    June 17, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    When I lost my baby, a friend (not knowing) patted my belly and said, “So how’s it going?” And when I told her I had lost the baby she had no idea what to say, so she said, “How are you otherwise?” I didn’t blame her. If you don’t know grief, it’s very hard to know what to say. (And she later joined us in a spiritual fast we were doing, and I know it was to support us so I don’t doubt her love).

    But yeah, it’s hard. I didn’t understand the pain of miscarriage until I had my first baby (successfully). Then I understood it.
    Lady Jennie recently posted…Life in the Trenches – Chapter 24My Profile

    Reply
    • katbiggie says

      June 20, 2013 at 9:40 pm

      I am so very sorry for your loss too. It is so hard to understand it until you have walked the walk. But I also understand how hard it is to be on the other side, and the horror that you feel if you say something inadvertently. The whole situation just sucks!

      Reply
  11. Vashti Quiroz-Vega says

    June 17, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    What an excellent post! Very touching and enlightening. As an ultrasound tech I see losses all the time, and each time I see the devastation it causes. As a woman I’ve had two miscarriages myself, one early, and one not so early. Both were very painful, and you’re right, I did get a lot of the, “Oh you’ll get over it.” “Don’t worry, you can always get pregnant again.” Blah, blah, blah. Some people would definitely benefit from reading this post. Thank you for sharing. I’m going to share this post on Google+.
    Vashti Quiroz-Vega recently posted…Women Behaving BadlyMy Profile

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. The Dreaded "Year of Firsts" - No Holding Back says:
    August 10, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    […] things, passing time, marking key events.  When you go through something as horrific as TTTS and infant loss, or the loss of anyone you love, there are so many dates, events, memories.  When it was […]

    Reply
  2. 6 Months Ago Today... - No Holding Back says:
    August 10, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    […] At 8:53pm tonight, it will be exactly six months since I held my beautiful Kathryn as she took her last breaths and returned to God.  There’s not one second of any day that I don’t think about her and miss her, that I don’t feel cheated out of something, that I don’t wish that I could just wake up on September 28,2011 and go to the 20 week ultrasound and see two healthy baby girls… and in case you’re wondering, I’m never going to just “get over it.” I cannot see beyond the grief of my infant loss. […]

    Reply
  3. Surviving the Winds of Change - No Holding Back says:
    August 10, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    […] Infant loss. A club I thought I’d never join. But I did. […]

    Reply
  4. Day of Hope - No Holding Back says:
    August 19, 2013 at 7:27 am

    […] If you have lost a pregnancy, an infant, or a child, today is our Day of Hope. A day that we can talk about our loss and break the silence! […]

    Reply

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