Infant loss
I attended my monthly grief support group last night.
It was an emotional evening. More so than usual. We had several new people at the meeting and we all shared our stories.
These women encourage and inspire me. Some of them have been through so much, with as many as 5 losses. Some had early pregnancy losses, some were as late as 38 weeks.
It doesn’t matter the time frame or the cause, it’s painful and we grieve the loss of the child we will never watch grow up.
For EVER.
Before losing our daughter Kathryn and having much exposure to the loss community, I had a hard time understanding how someone could be so upset over losing a baby as early as 6 weeks.
But I understand it now.
You love your baby from the moment you find out you’re pregnant.
And you grieve that loss forever.
The dates are still a strong reminder of what could have or should have been. The due date, first birthday, 2nd birthday, 30th birthday.
Sometimes I think it may be even harder on the women who lose their babies early, because so many people make them feel as if it didn’t matter or didn’t count because it was so early. I’ve heard women say they’ve been told “you’re lucky it didn’t happen later,” or “at least you didn’t go through what so and so went through” or “you were only 8 weeks, it’s time to get on and get over it.”
That’s not fair. They have still suffered a traumatic loss. A life changing event.
We need to be heard. We need our friends and family to understand that we want to honor and remember these babies, no matter at what point they left us. We need your help to Break the Silence by allowing us to share.
One piece of advice. If you know someone who has had a loss, do not ignore it. That is the worst thing you can do. Even if all you can say is “I’m sorry” that is better than nothing.
A new movie is coming out soon about the impact a still birth has on a couple and their lives. It is called Return to Zero. Will you please pledge to see it and help us create a more understanding culture for the larger impact of loss? You can see more about it at my Return to Zero post.
You may also like the posts “The Magic Words When Someone Loses a Baby” and “How to Help a Friend Survive the First Year After Pregnancy and Infant Loss.”
katbiggie
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- What to say when a baby dies ; words of comfort - October 31, 2019
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- Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Book Bundle - October 3, 2019
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Janine Huldie says
June 14, 2013 at 9:37 amYou said this beautifully and perfectly. I can’t help, but feel that you are so right whether it is a very early loss or one at 39 weeks of pregnancy. A loss is a loss and we have to grieve that loss in our own way. I am so with you on being able to speak and share what I feel though and when I had a chemical pregnancy before Emma, I had to do just that, because otherwise it would have eaten me alive. Thank you seriously for being so honest and real Alexa. I can’t say enough how much I love you and how if you do need anything, please just say the word. I am very much here for you my friend!! 🙂
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katbiggie says
June 14, 2013 at 9:46 amLove you girl. Please feel free to always share. A chemical pregnancy is also a loss, and you should never feel minimized about it if you feel sad or need to talk about it! I’m here for YOU TOO!!
The Dose of Reality says
June 14, 2013 at 10:22 amThere is no doubt in my mind that having you as a voice for this community genuinely makes a difference in people’s lives. You write so honestly and beautifully about what loss actually feels like. Hugs to you today and always.-Ashley
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katbiggie says
June 20, 2013 at 9:38 pmThank you! I consider myself hugged!
Hannah Curtis says
June 14, 2013 at 1:22 pmI really appreciate the work you are doing. I agree that no one’s loss should ever be minimized. You breaking the silence is brave and important.
Cobwebs, Cupcakes And Crayons says
June 14, 2013 at 2:21 pmYou are so right. The moment you get a positive sign on that little stick, you feel pregnant. And you immediately love and feel connected to your little one…even if they are the size of a poppy seed.
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another jennifer says
June 14, 2013 at 4:30 pmA loss is a loss, and I can’t imagine valuing one life over another just because they were on Earth longer (or even at all). I’m so glad you have such a supportive group to belong to, Alexa. You are an amazing voice for grieving parents.
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Mothering From Scratch says
June 14, 2013 at 9:17 pm{Kathy} You are tremendously brave for expressing the deep feelings parents have after losing a child. Thank you for being a beacon of light for others.
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Marie Oliveira says
June 16, 2013 at 4:24 pmI found out at an 8 week ultrasound that my baby had probably passed at about 6 weeks. I miscarried about two days later. I was surprised at how difficult it was. I think one of the hardest things about losing a baby so early is what ends up happening to the baby’s body. I mean, people don’t have funerals and burials for an inch long fetus. I can’t even talk about what ended up happening to my baby’s body. That is painful and brings me to tears every time.
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katbiggie says
June 20, 2013 at 9:41 pmOh Marie! I am so sorry. The women in my group who had early losses talk about the difficulties of that aspect. It is unbearably painful to imagine. I am so sorry honey. Hugs!!! xoxo
Chris Carter says
June 16, 2013 at 8:53 pmAnyone who has the foolishness to assume and then express that assumption when another is suffering from ANYTHING- is incredibly selfish and they are limited in their own emotional capacity to empathize with another human being. As with any loss or tragedy… some people also are completely lost with what to say, and therefore say stupid and impulsive things that inadvertently offend out of naivety. It is really so simple. Just be there in it with them.
Where there is pain… the greatest gift we can give another is honoring their pain.
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Natalie says
June 16, 2013 at 10:37 pmYou did say this perfectly…I feel that no one should judge someone else’s loss…everyone’s feelings are valid and shouldn’t be pushed down because they carried for less time. We really just need to show compassion for one another.
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Lady Jennie says
June 17, 2013 at 1:52 pmWhen I lost my baby, a friend (not knowing) patted my belly and said, “So how’s it going?” And when I told her I had lost the baby she had no idea what to say, so she said, “How are you otherwise?” I didn’t blame her. If you don’t know grief, it’s very hard to know what to say. (And she later joined us in a spiritual fast we were doing, and I know it was to support us so I don’t doubt her love).
But yeah, it’s hard. I didn’t understand the pain of miscarriage until I had my first baby (successfully). Then I understood it.
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katbiggie says
June 20, 2013 at 9:40 pmI am so very sorry for your loss too. It is so hard to understand it until you have walked the walk. But I also understand how hard it is to be on the other side, and the horror that you feel if you say something inadvertently. The whole situation just sucks!
Vashti Quiroz-Vega says
June 17, 2013 at 3:06 pmWhat an excellent post! Very touching and enlightening. As an ultrasound tech I see losses all the time, and each time I see the devastation it causes. As a woman I’ve had two miscarriages myself, one early, and one not so early. Both were very painful, and you’re right, I did get a lot of the, “Oh you’ll get over it.” “Don’t worry, you can always get pregnant again.” Blah, blah, blah. Some people would definitely benefit from reading this post. Thank you for sharing. I’m going to share this post on Google+.
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