This is my 100th post. Yay! Pop the champagne!
Very appropriately it is true to the overall nature of my blog. Surviving after the loss of a child.
I wrote this a few days ago but I am glad I did not post it then. I was having a REALLY BAD DAY! Thankfully, the mothers (and some fathers) I have come to know and love in the TTTS community have been there for me in a way that no one who hasn’t gone through this experience can be. And I love them for it. Through their support and encouragement, I am feeling better.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t still have moments like those described below. It just means that even though I have them, I know that they are normal, they are part of the whole “loss” process, and I am going to survive this. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my healing process.
As the twins ‘first Birthday approaches, I feel myself shutting down.
All the plans I thought I would set in place – a video with special music to commemorate Tiny’s first year, a party, an album, a special celebration in honor of Kathryn.
I just can’t do it.
I cannot bring myself to make any plans, to put anything together.
I don’t want to face the day.
The first Birthday of my Twin Daughters. Only we will only celebrate with one of them.
I have been doing well, but now I feel overcome with sadness, anger, grief, and I hate the injustice.
And the GUILT.
I ask myself how I can feel this way when I should be so grateful that we came away with one very healthy, happy baby girl. Why can’t I just be happy that I have a healthy little girl that I should be celebrating?
I don’t really want to get dressed.
I definitely don’t want to unload the stupid dishwasher one more time, pick up toys, figure out what we are going to eat for dinner.
I want to lie down on the ground and lose myself in my own grief for a day or two. Because I have never been able to do that.
Three other little people need me to continue on.
And I am thankful to them for that.
But I am hurting. I am not ok. I now understand what true grief feels like.
When the girls were born, and when Kathryn died two days later, I was drugged up, I was in shock. For months after that, I have been so focused on everything else in our life, I have been able to push it off.
But now… it is creeping in.
I don’t want to get up. I don’t care about the disaster my house is becoming.
I don’t care about the holidays. Or decorating for Christmas.
I don’t want to put on a fake smile and pretend like everything is ok. Because it is not. I am not.
This is not a pity party. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.
I want you to understand me. To understand any mother who has lost a baby.
I want to be able to speak about my pain, my grief, my sorrow without anyone thinking I am trying to garner attention.
And I want you to remember her.
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